Seven Deadly Sins
by Carly-M
Summary: That's when the Greendale fun begins with seven deadly sins...
1. Chapter 1  Wrath

**Title:** Seven Deadly Sins (1/7) - Wrath  
><strong>Author:<strong> Carly  
><strong>Character(s)Pairing(s):** Study group, J/A  
><strong>Spoilers:<strong> Up to 2.24  
><strong>RatingWarnings:** PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> Part 1: 2,610  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I don't own Community.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Annie and Jeff can't keep their arguing to themselves.  
><strong>Notes:<strong> These can also be seen as standalone fics, but I wanted to play around with something different and the seven deadly sins theme sprang to mind! This chapter takes place at the beginning of season three.

* * *

><p><strong>01. Wrath<strong>

"Since we've segregated into a boys group and a girls group we should really take the opportunity to put on a performance of Summer Nights," said Abed, sipping his diet soda. "Jeff, you'll be Danny of course. Troy, we can arm wrestle to see who's Kenickie."

Troy shoved another cookie in his mouth. "No way, man," he said, spraying crumbs everywhere. "Last time we arm wrestled you nearly broke me. We need a fair fight – like wrestling a bear."

"I've got a good idea," said Jeff, pushing his lunch tray aside. "How about we rewind this conversation fifteen seconds, hide it in a box, maybe add a nice bow, and label it 'things that are ridiculous and should never be mentioned again'?"

"What's the bow for?" said Abed. "If something's that ridiculous it doesn't really deserve to be decorated does it?"

"What if we just put stickers on it or something?" said Troy. "That's how I used to wrap presents for my mom when I was little. It looked fancy but, like, _crap_ fancy."

Jeff glared at them over his cup of coffee. "I'm going to need a bigger box."

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud crash across the cafeteria. They turned their heads to see that Pierce had dropped half his lunch on the ground after tripping over Starburns' cape (top hats were deemed too 'second year'). Annie leapt up from where she was sitting with Shirley and Britta to help him, but he just gave her a forced smile and motioned that he could handle things fine without her. Jeff noticed the way Annie's face fell when Pierce sat by himself in the corner and started to eat what was left of his mac and cheese.

"Is her 'someone just stabbed a baby penguin' look affecting you yet?" said Abed, causing Jeff to turn around.

"No," he scoffed. "And it's not going to either."

"History begs to differ."

Troy swept some stray crumbs off the table. "Maybe we _should_ just ask Pierce to re-join the group like Annie said. It'd make things a lot less weird at home for me."

"At least he didn't kick you out on the street," said Jeff.

"Yeah but he doesn't even talk to me anymore," said Troy, downcast. "I never thought I'd miss hearing about how many diseases his penis has caught. They were good times."

Abed nodded, taking another sip of his drink. "The group balance needs to be restored."

"Guys, you're missing one vital point here," said Jeff. "Pierce doesn't _want_ to be back in the group. He made it very clear last semester that he's done with us so I don't see why we should waste our energy."

"But Annie said the exact opposite of that."

"I know what Annie said, Troy, or did you miss the never-ending argument she and I had this morning over it?"

"Actually, I kind of just started to daydream when you both wouldn't shut up and Annie kept saying 'hence' to make herself sound important," he shrugged. "I did think up some pretty kickass names, though, if I ever started a band."

"Ooh, lay one on me," said Abed.

"Fang Assassin," grinned Troy. "That's if we played metal. And if we rapped it'd be Sergeant Slick and the Dope Crew."

"I'm in. Jeff, wanna arm wrestle to see who gets to beatbox?"

Jeff grabbed his things and stood up. "I'd love to but I'm late for something that will get me away from this conversation. See ya."

He passed the girls on his way out of the cafeteria, rolling his eyes when Annie deliberately turned away from him.

"How long are you two going to keep this up for?" sighed Shirley. "Do I need to put both of you in a time out?"

"I'll be civil with Jeff when he accepts the fact that he's being an insensitive jerk," stated Annie, nibbling at one of the brownies Shirley had brought in.

Britta rested her arm on the back of the booth. "You might be waiting a while."

"Well I'm not about to cave in and admit defeat," frowned Annie.

"No one said you had to," said Shirley. "But you might be battling a lost cause. What Pierce lacks in sensitivity and manners, he makes up for in pure stubbornness. That man is not going to change his mind about coming back to the group."

"Shirley's right, Annie," said Britta. "I feel bad for the guy, I do. And who knows, maybe I'll even miss having someone call me a lesbian on a daily basis. But we have to move on."

Annie shook her head. "I refuse to accept that. We have a broken family and I'm going to make sure it gets fixed – hence, I'm going to start work on Plan B." She hoisted her backpack on and strode away with a determined glint in her eyes.

"Plan B?" said Shirley. "What's with Plan B?"

"What's with _hence_?" said Britta. "I feel like I need to curtsy around her."

"She's lost her damn mind."

* * *

><p>The next morning during study group Annie slid a neatly typed six-page document titled 'Operation Pierce: Plan B' across the table towards Jeff.<p>

"No," he said, not even glancing up from his phone.

"But—"

"Nuh-uh."

"Jeff! Can you at least read it?" huffed Annie. "I spent most of the night putting that together."

He casually started up another game of Solitaire. "I don't need to read it because I'm not buying what you're selling."

"But I made _pie charts_."

"And I made my bed this morning. Both of those sentences are equally as boring as each other."

Annie pouted and gave the others an imploring look. "Guys, help me out here would you?"

Shirley and Britta glanced at one another in defeat while Troy stared off into space, chuckling to himself. "Sergeant Slick collaborating with MC Hammer – genius!" Receiving a whack on the arm from Britta, Troy shook himself from his daydream and attempted to focus. "Um... my answer to whatever you're talking about is yes... or Doritos."

"What Troy meant to say," said Shirley, patting Annie on the arm, "is that we understand where you're coming from, but we can also see Jeff's point of view too."

"We do miss having Pierce around in a weird kind of way," added Britta. "Like yesterday when he dropped his crap everywhere, I wanted to tell him off about not having any vegetables for lunch but I knew he wouldn't care."

Shirley nodded. "And I had one extra brownie left over in my bag because I forgot we were down to six people now."

"It is strange not having someone to sit next to," said Troy, eyeing off Pierce's empty seat. "I miss trying to convince him that he could get Twitter on his calculator."

"What's everyone talking about?" said Abed, entering the room.

"You're just in time for the Pierce Hawthorne memorial service," replied Jeff. "Apparently we're going to speak about him now like he's dead and not just wandering around campus by himself because he _wants to_."

"He's not wandering; I saw him sitting at one of the study corrals outside." Abed rested his book satchel on the table and glanced at Annie's paper. "What's Plan B all about?"

"It's the world's first A4-sized sleeping pill."

Annie clucked at Jeff in annoyance and snatched back her work. "Ignore Mr 'I play Solitaire as a metaphor for my sad little life' over there."

"For your information," drawled Jeff, "I've moved onto Words With Friends."

"Oh cool, so it's like another version of Solitaire for you then?" Annie smirked. "You know, because you're allergic to having friends?"

"Yeah, I got that, Captain Obvious."

Britta buried her face in her hands. "Shirley can you please grab the sleeping pill papers from Annie so we can all knock ourselves out?"

"Never mind that," said Annie. "Abed, what was Pierce like when you saw him? Was he sad? Did it look like he needed a hug?"

Abed cast his mind back. "He looked... gassy."

"Classic Pierce," Troy quietly murmured.

"OK, waxing nostalgic about someone's flatulence problem is where I draw the line," said Jeff, shoving his phone in his pocket and collecting his folder. "I'll see all you weirdos later."

"Yeah, you just run away, Jeff," said Annie. "May as well stick to what you know."

"Don't start with the feelings crap, Annie," he warned. "I've given enough speeches by now to show that I'm with this group for better or worse till death do us part. If you _really_ want to shun someone for taking the easy way out, then you should be talking to Grandpa Gassy."

"He didn't take the easy way out, Jeff, we practically pushed him out!"

"Because that's what he wanted!" Jeff gazed around the room. "You heard the guy last semester; he wanted to keep testing us until we broke. As far as I can see we've all got trust issues we need to work on, and it's going to take a lot more than pie charts to fix it."

The group fell silent as Jeff stormed out the doorway... then awkwardly stormed back in a few moments later to retrieve his forgotten jacket.

"I'll give the pie chart speech a nine and the majestic exit a five."

"Shut up, Abed."

* * *

><p>The group made their way down the busy corridor after finishing lunch, the air still uneasy between Jeff and Annie.<p>

"I'm telling you," said Troy, patting his stomach. "Tater tots are the new chicken fingers. They're like the Kickpuncher of food."

"So what you're saying is they're horrible and outdated?" said Jeff

"Um, _no_, smart guy, I mean they're awesome and inspirational."

"They're tiny bits of potato."

Troy folded his arms. "I'm not about to be judged by someone who thinks a hard boiled egg is a filling meal. It's like you're training for a Miss Universe pageant."

"Hey, did anybody see this?" Abed took a flier from a nearby noticeboard. "Greendale's going to try and set a new world record in a few weeks – the most Monopoly games being played at the same time in the same room." He handed the flier to Troy. "It's no 'world's largest pancake' but it'll do."

"Oh, I love Monopoly!" smiled Annie.

"I hate Monopoly," said Britta.

"_Shocker_," muttered Troy.

"It's capitalism at its worst," she continued. "And you know what else it represents?"

"Oh, sweetie," cooed Shirley, "no one cares."

Jeff was the first to reach the study room but he ground to a complete halt at the entryway causing everyone to crash into him. Their murmurs of discontent turned into surprise when they saw the reason for his abruptness. Pierce was sitting in his old spot, hands clasped together, calmly waiting for them.

"Pierce," said Jeff, evenly.

"Winger," Pierce replied, just as coolly.

Everyone slowly made their way to their seats, Troy staring at Pierce as if he were a mirage.

Annie couldn't help a warm smile spreading across her face. "It's really nice to see you, Pierce. Are they new glasses?"

He nodded. "I accidentally dropped my old ones in the toilet last week after I dropped the kids off at the pool, if you know what I mean." They groaned in disgust. "But enough with the pleasantries; that's not what I'm here for."

"Why _are_ you here?" said Jeff, leaning back in his chair.

"Not that we aren't happy to see you," Annie interrupted, shooting a warning glance at Jeff. "We're just surprised that you took the first step."

"In my few days back at Greendale I came to realize two things," said Pierce. "One, spending more than half an hour in the company of Garrett is like spending time with a lame horse – you just want to shoot them to end their misery. And two..." He cleared his throat. "I may or may not need to work on my trust issues with the people that deserve my trust the most."

Shirley and Annie quietly "aww'ed" together while the others admired his honesty.

Britta's eyebrows knitted together, though, as something struck her. "Hang on a minute; we were just talking about that exact thing this morning. How did you—"

Pierce pulled something out of his pocket. "New and improved Mini-Earnoculars."

"The group's umbilical cord," Abed mused. "Pierce made the grand gesture of leaving the nest but couldn't completely let go. He still needed to feel like he was part of the group."

"Actually, I just wanted to make sure you weren't talking crap about me," said Pierce, but a faint smile ghosted his lips.

"Does this mean you're coming back to the group?" asked Annie, unable to mask the hope in her voice.

"Last semester was a pretty hectic time for me; for all of us. And that's not going to be easy to forget. Pills, babies, forays into lesbianism," Pierce peered over his glasses at Britta before continuing. "But I've been thinking... what if we had a trial run of being a study group again? See if we can resist the urge to want to kill one another. What do you all say?"

Everyone appeared to favorably consider the idea, except for Jeff whose face remained unreadable.

"You've been quiet, Winger," noted Pierce. "Cat got your weiner?"

Troy sighed contentedly. "It's already like old times."

"Look, Jeff, we all know the buck stops with you, let's not kid ourselves." Pierce gestured his arm out in a questioning fashion. "So what's your verdict?"

Six pairs of eyes turned to Jeff expectantly. "I say..." a small smile spread across his face, "it'll be good to have the overwhelming stench of your aftershave and arthritis cream back in the room again."

"Gay," Pierce replied, but shared a smile and a nod of understanding with him.

The group wound up their meeting a while later and started to filter out, Troy and Abed excitedly informed Pierce about the tater tots while Shirley placed a brownie in his hand before linking arms with Britta to gush about baby Ben.

Jeff and Annie were the last ones left, taking their time to pack up their things.

"So..." said Annie.

"So..." echoed Jeff, before breaking out into a grin and high-fiving her.

"Operation Pierce was a complete success!" she beamed.

"I knew his ego wouldn't be able to resist hearing everyone go on about him. You're lucky you spotted him wearing those earnoculars the first day back."

Annie adjusted her backpack. "He just needed to realize we genuinely missed him." She saw Jeff screw up his nose. "Yes, even you. I knew if you and I argued enough about Pierce we'd get everyone else talking and the rest would fall into place."

"Speaking of," said Jeff, falling into step beside her as they walked out, "those insults seemed to come a little too naturally there."

She caught the teasing tone and played along. "You know me, I always try to sound convincing. It's not like you held back either!"

"Fair point."

"At least with this charade we didn't have to fake shoot anyone."

"Or hear about time desks."

Annie nudged Jeff's arm. "You do realize that you'll have to go easy on Pierce don't you? Even if he insults you, try not to be too mean. Just give him time to adjust." She glanced up at him through her eyelashes. "Think you can do that?"

Jeff looked pained but nodded at her, clutching his folder to his chest. "If only this folder were a time folder," he muttered, "and I could go back and change my mind..."

_Next chapter - Greed_


	2. Chapter 2 Greed

**A/N: A big thank you to everyone who has left a review or put this on their story alert - I really appreciate it & I'm happy you're enjoying the story!**

* * *

><p><strong>02. Greed<strong>

Annie let out an ear-piercing scream as the lights came back on in the cafeteria. Abed rushed over from the soft serve machine to where the study group were positioned in a circle around their table. He pushed past Troy, who was crouched on the ground, to see the source of all the commotion.

"Don't touch anything," warned Abed, avoiding the sticky red substance dripping onto the floor. "This just became a crime scene."

Only moments earlier the group had been immersed in a heated game of Monopoly, but after a freak blackout plunged the cafeteria into darkness, things had suddenly turned deadly. In those fifteen unaccountable seconds someone had messed up the board contents and covered everything in a streak of blood-red soda, rendering the competition useless.

"Someone killed this game," said Abed, inspecting the damage. "And I'm going to find out whodunit."

"Let me guess, it was Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick?" said Jeff.

"Exactly," he replied, getting a gleam in his eyes. "What was once a tense game of Monopoly has turned into the perfect Clue mystery."

"Abed, I was kidding. Can we not—"

"It's become a game within a game," he continued, ignoring Jeff. "We're no longer operating in a normal environment – we've been _game-ceptioned_."

"Of course we have," muttered Jeff.

* * *

><p><strong>A few hours earlier...<strong>

The Dean stood on a makeshift stage in the middle of the cafeteria dressed as Rich Uncle Pennybags. There were fairy lights strung up everywhere to create "ambiance" as well as an enormous neon dollar sign that blinked on and off and crackled like a giant bug zapper.

Tapping the microphone to ensure it was on, the Dean beamed at the crowd. "Good evening, Greendale students. In the words of my distinguished alter ego," he said, happily gesturing at his outfit, "pip pip, tally-ho and fiddle-de-dee potatoes!"

"Is his alter ego a fox-hunting leprechaun?" said Jeff, sitting down with his friends after buying a coffee. "Make that a fox-hunting, _booty short_ wearing leprechaun," Jeff added after getting a better look at the Dean's clothes. "He will seriously work hot pants into anything, won't he?"

"I hope you're all ready to play some Monopoly," said the Dean, twirling his cane around. "We don't have an official head count yet, but the world record for the most games of Monopoly being played at the same time is definitely ours." His secretary handed him a can of drink. "To keep the energy going, everyone gets free sodas of their choice all night long! Although that choice needs to be raspberry because it's the only flavor that wasn't covered with black mold in the supply room... _Enjoy_!"

Annie accepted a can from one of the Dean's volunteers before opening the Monopoly box to prep for the 8PM kick off. She paused when she unfolded the board. "Um, guys? I think we got a faulty one." She laid it out for everyone to see.

"Is that half an American version and half a British version stuck together?" asked Shirley.

"The bizarro-ness doesn't end there," said Britta, sorting through the cards. "Some of these things have been handwritten on bits of paper."

Troy picked up a home-made Community Chest card and read it aloud. "Scam fifty dollars from the sucker on your right." He grabbed another one. "Advance to Go but don't collect two hundred dollars because life's a bitch like that sometimes."

"I like this version," grinned Pierce.

Abed nodded. "It's definitely much more Greendale."

"That's exactly why we need to fix it," said Annie, raising her hand. "Dean?"

"You rang?" said the Dean, skipping over to them.

"Could we please have another Monopoly set? This one isn't right."

The Dean peered at the board. "It looks right to me." Off their confusion he leaned in conspiratorially. "We actually didn't have enough games to go round so some of them were bought _on the cheap_," he murmured, using air quotes. "And by 'on the cheap' I mean from the back of a truck. And by 'back of a truck' I mean from Buster the retired carny who lives in his van behind the grocery store."

Annie screwed up her nose. "That would explain why one of the playing pieces appears to be an old peach pit."

"Reason number forty-two of why I'm amazed that Greendale isn't as revered as Yale," Jeff muttered into his coffee cup.

The Dean clasped his hand to his heart looking touched. "_Thank you_, Jeffrey. Now if you'll all excuse me I have to go and adjust my outfit. I'm experiencing some chafing in my Community Chest if you catch my drift."

"Caught and promptly burnt with mind acid," said Jeff. He leant across the table to choose the top hat playing piece.

"I thought you'd be more of a battleship guy," said Britta. "Y'know, using a symbol of something big to compensate for something smaller?"

"Penis jokes, how original. If you must know, the top hat reminds me of one of my idols."

"Starburns?" said Pierce.

"Scrooge McDuck." Jeff held up the hat to admire it. "He had the right idea. His very own money vault, a mansion with servants and optimal comfort in never wearing pants."

"You pretty much just described living with Pierce," said Troy, before diving for his own token. "Dibs on the peach thing!" He was surprised when no one contested him for it. "How could you _not_ want this? It looks like a tiny brain."

Annie quickly found the token she was after. "There you are, Sir Barkington," she beamed, cradling the small silver dog in her hand. "It's been a while."

"I'm sorry," said Jeff, "did you just call an inanimate object _Sir Barkington_?"

"... Yes." Annie's face flushed pink. "I played Monopoly with my parents when I was younger and I was always the dog. I was never allowed to have a real pet so I became kind of attached."

"Take him for long walks did you? Teach him to fetch?"

"As a matter of fact I did, smart guy," said Annie, holding her head up high. "I mean, I did all of the walking and fetching myself, but it was still fun." She carefully set Sir Barkington down on the start panel. "When I save enough money to buy my own house I'm definitely getting a dog."

"That sounds nice, Annie," said Shirley, picking up the car to use. "We had a dog when I was younger. Cute white little fluffy thing." She frowned. "Then it got rabies, tried to maul my face and we had to put it down." Annie gasped in horror.

"Thus concludes story time with Mother Goose," said Jeff, earning a whack on the arm from Shirley. "I hope you tell Ben these heart-warming tales. Ow! OK, message received, geez."

Britta picked up the boot and placed it on the board. "What we should _really_ be telling our kids is that board games aren't actually all fun and games." She raised her voice to drown out her friends' groaning. "I only agreed to play to educate you all on the flagrant capitalism that Monopoly—"

"My rabies dog is sounding pretty good right about now, huh?" said Shirley.

Abed swiftly chose his token ("An iron so I can be Iron Man") as well as Pierce ("Why is Blondie laughing at my battleship?"), as the Dean started the countdown to game time.

"I hope everyone's ready to lose because I am a _machine_ at this game," said Jeff.

"Oh, bring it on, Zac Efron," said Annie, folding her arms.

"Right back 'atcha, Margaret Thatcher."

"You're both going to hell, Tom Sell... eck." Britta hung her head. "Whatever, I don't care."

* * *

><p>An hour had passed and everyone was still in the game. Some more prominently than others.<p>

"I can't believe you landed on Mayfair again!" crowed Annie. "Pay up, Scrooge McSuck."

Jeff begrudgingly handed over some money. "That name got old twenty turns ago, Lady Barkington."

"What's that? I can't hear you over my winning streak." Annie gathered the dice and rolled her turn, looking pleased when she ended up on Community Chest. "Get out of jail free. Aww, I might just put that next to my other one."

Troy gazed longingly at the cards and then at his peach pit, which was languishing in jail. "Any chance you want to give me one of those?"

"Sure – for two hundred dollars."

"How about for one whole dollar and this piece of lint I just found in my pocket?"

"I don't have time for your tomfoolery, Troy; I've got an empire to build."

Troy glared at her as he rolled the dice, but didn't get the doubles he needed. "This game is dumb," he pouted. "You better watch out if we ever play a Candy Land tournament. I'll kick all your asses, _candy style_."

"How about you turn on the waterworks, Troy," mocked Jeff. "Oh, wait, you can't because I already own it."

"Oh yeah?" said Troy, floundering for a retort. "Well... your face smells like monkey armpit."

"Lord give me strength," sighed Shirley, taking her turn and landing on Chance. "Advance to the nearest railroad. Well it's a good thing I own them all isn't it?" She grinned and put on an accent. "Anyone want to hop aboard the Hogwarts Express, mates?"

"Who invited Urkel?" asked Jeff.

Britta set down her drink and took her turn. "Oh would you look at that, I'm expected to pay tax. The last thing this country needs is for—" she fell silent when Pierce threw some of his money at her. "What are you doing?"

"Saving my sanity. Just pay the damn tax."

"What if you land on Annie's row of houses again? You can't afford to lose more money."

"When your real life is already like Monopoly the board game kind of loses its appeal," Pierce shrugged, taking a swig of soda. "Plus I have bigger things to worry about. My ass has pins and needles and this fizzy crap is making me want to pee like a donkey."

"Well why don't you just stop drinking it then?"

"It's the only thing keeping me awake."

Annie watched as Abed rolled the dice and wound up on free parking. "You've been quiet, Abed. Aren't you enjoying the game?"

"The power play game, yes, the actual Monopoly game, not really," he replied. "The longest game on record went for ten weeks and I can't afford to disrupt my TV schedule."

"Ten weeks?" cried Shirley. "No thank you. I'd like to get home to my babies before they're married with babies themselves."

Annie hit her hand on the table. "Well then, we better have less yammerin' and more playin'. Mama needs a shiny new hotel."

Jeff blinked at her. "Who _are_ you?"

* * *

><p>When the game hit the three hour mark things really started to go downhill. Abed had struck out after landing on too many properties with hotels but was happy just to observe everyone, claiming it was "great research" for his web series. The rest of the group were divided into two camps – those who were overly competitive (Annie and Jeff) and those who were still playing because they weren't allowed to fold (everyone else).<p>

Annie took a cold french fry out of the styrofoam container they were all sharing and placed it on one of her orange properties. "Another proud moment in Annie-ville history."

"You're going to be eating your words, and your building, when I knock down that fry-scraper," said Jeff.

"I'm pretty sure that's what you said last time right before I took half your money in rent."

"Yeah, well who's got two thumbs and has won second prize in a beauty contest about a million times in a row?" Jeff retorted. "This handsome guy - who was obviously up against his secret twin brother or else he would have come first."

"Can you two just pull each other's pigtails and be done with it?" Shirley yawned. "All this long-winded banter is holding up the game."

"These weird carny-approved extras aren't helping either," said Britta, sneering at the French fries. "Seriously, the next step up from a hotel is a deep-fried skyscraper? That's ridiculous."

Annie shrugged and counted her pile of hundreds. "Says the person with no fry-scrapers."

"This game is making me sad," Troy said, throwing the dice. "Candy Land never made me sad. It made me happy, and whenever I went to sleep I dreamt about being a giant dancing lollipop who sometimes took bites out of himself because he was so delicious."

They played a few more rounds before the Dean announced over the microphone that it was nearly time for a designated bathroom break.

"Hurry up and roll, Jeff," said Annie, making sure her bank notes were neatly lined up. "I need get my hands on another fry-scraper before we have to stop."

"Sure, not a problem." Jeff rattled the dice around in his hands... and rattled... and blew on them for luck... and rattled again. The smirk disappeared from his face when Shirley leant across and smacked them out of his hands.

"Take your damn turn, Jeffrey," she warned, "or so help me I will make you change Ben's diaper next time I bring him in for a visit and it won't be the number one variety."

Shuddering, Jeff moved his top hat around the board and landed on Community Chest. "No way," he said after reading the home-made card. "I motion that my last roll be struck off the record due to interference. I'm not paying the bank two hundred dollars for every building while singing 'She Works Hard for the Money'."

"That's not fair, Jeff," said Annie. "I still had to play when Troy scared the heck out of me with one of his tornado sneezes and I dropped the dice!"

"It's true," agreed Troy. "I do sneeze like a man these days."

Jeff remained resolute. "I motion that Ms Edison's rebuttal also be struck off the record."

"Under what grounds?" scoffed Annie.

"The 'because I said so' grounds."

Everyone's eyes fell on Pierce. "Motion denied," he said in a revered tone.

"Fine, jerks," said Jeff, jaw clenched. "I'll pay the stupid money. But there's no way in hell I'm singing."

Troy looked a little too happy when Jeff threw a pile of cash in the bank. "Who's turning on the waterworks now, Jeff?"

"Me," said Jeff, glaring at him, "because I still own them, unlike you who owns a season pass to the jail and a fruit stone coated in some stranger's saliva."

"Your mom's a fruit stone!"

"This is getting exciting," said Abed, leaping up. "I need snacks. Don't say or do anything interesting while I'm gone."

"Brittles, that's your cue to talk," said Pierce, not ducking out of the way fast enough when Britta threw a fry at his head.

"Can you save the ranting until I've had my shot?" pleaded Annie. "I really need to..." But she was interrupted by the Dean announcing that it was time for a ten-minute bathroom break. "Darn it! OK everyone, pee quickly so we can resume ASAP."

"ASA-_Quick_ Pee or just the normal kind?" said Jeff, earning a scowl in response.

They all stood up away from the table and had a stretch – just as the entire room shut down into complete darkness.

* * *

><p>While the Dean assessed the damage the giant neon dollar sign had done in short-circuiting the building, Abed conducted his investigation under the glow of the back-up generator lights. He instructed everyone to stay where they were as he got a closer look at the table.<p>

"Abed, I don't want to tell you how to do your job," said Annie, "but I think it's pretty clear that Mr 'I'm a big baby who won't play by the rules' is the culprit here."

"Oh yeah?" said Jeff. "Well I happen to think it's even clearer that Annie 'Donald Trump' Edison just fired the whole game."

"None of this would have happened with Candy Land," huffed Troy.

Jeff raised an eyebrow when Abed started to sniff the spilt soda. "What's up, Lassie? Did Timmy fall down the well again?"

"Just covering all my bases, Jeff," said Abed. "And now I've done that, I can safely rule Colonel Mustard, aka Pierce, out of the running."

"What? How?"

"Sitting next to Pierce has allowed me to see that he's been lacing his sodas all night with alcohol from a hip flask," Abed replied. "The soda on the table doesn't smell alcoholic and Pierce moves at the speed of a geriatric turtle, so he wouldn't have been able to reach anyone else's drinks in time to pull a switcheroo."

"Cheers, Ay-bed," said Pierce, raising his can in a salute.

The group watched Abed closely as he studied the scene and made some mental calculations. "My next suspects are Mrs White," he announced, pointing at Britta.

"What? Why am I the old lady?" said Britta. "I moisturize every day, people!"

"And Mrs Peacock," he said, glancing Shirley's way.

"I have no idea who that is but I'm just going to go ahead and be offended on principle," said Shirley.

Abed clasped his hands behind his back and paced around the table. "Both of you clearly had a motive. Shirley wanted to get home to her children and Britta had her usual MO – fun sucking."

"Listen here, Columbo," said Shirley, "I don't know what this Peacock woman of yours gets up to, but I didn't wreck this game."

"And I am getting a lot better at not sucking the fun out of things!" protested Britta. "I mean, yes, I _did_ make Magnitude cry last week... and Troy's only just forgiven me for ruining cupcake day... but that's all I've done this term, I swear!"

"Both of you ladies can relax," said Abed. "You may have had motives, but I know you didn't commit the crime." He gestured towards the spilt liquid. "The spatter pattern clearly indicates that the soda was thrown in a downward direction – the opposite way of where you two were sitting at the time."

"Anyone else slightly disturbed that Abed knows how to deconstruct a murder scene?" asked Jeff.

"Maybe you should be, Jeff," he replied. "Each clue brings me closer to the criminal, and I only have you and Annie left to evaluate."

Jeff frowned. "Hang on, what about Troy?"

"Oh yeah, blame the crime on the black guy," scoffed Troy.

"I know he didn't do it so I don't need to question him," said Abed.

"Why's that?" said Pierce. "Because you're each other's lesbian life partners?"

"No," said Abed, "because whenever it gets dark unexpectedly, Troy's ninja training kicks in. He would have gone into automatic stealth mode leaving no time for soda shenanigans." The group stared at Abed then turned in unison to stare at Troy.

"It's true," Troy proudly admitted. "I've been learning the art for a whole year now and, not to brag or anything, but I'm kind of the best ninja ever."

"I've never seen you do anything ninja-ish," said Britta.

"_Exactly_," Troy smugly replied.

"That's why he was crouching on the ground when the lights came back on," said Abed. "Crouching Troy, hidden butt is his signature move."

Shirley sighed and sat down on a nearby chair. "Can we just hurry up and pin the blame on Jeff or Annie already so I can go home?"

Abed nodded. "I was just about to do the honors."

"It was Jeff," said Annie.

"It was Annie," Jeff retorted.

"Jeff!"

"_Annie_."

Abed held up a hand to shush them. "You can wabbit season, duck season this all you want but I've already figured it out." He perched on the edge of the booth. "At first I was going to pinpoint Mr Green, in the cafeteria with the soda can—"

"Mr Green was the good-looking one, yeah?" Jeff interrupted.

"But," Abed ignored him, "then I realized that even though you're a sore loser, you wouldn't give the game a second thought once it was over."

"Why would I?" he said. "It's just a game."

"To some people, yes, but to others," he glanced at Annie, who suddenly looked very tired, "it's an outlet for what they wished their lives could be. Which is why my final guess is Miss Scarlet, in the cafeteria with an uncharacteristic burst of greed."

"Is this true, Annie?" said Shirley quietly.

Annie sank down into her seat and faintly nodded. "I'm so sorry you guys."

"I don't understand, though," said Britta. "You were the one who wanted to keep playing no matter what. You were pretty much the Monopoly Queen."

"That's why I did it," she replied. "I didn't want to lose my power. Do you know how good it felt to actually own things? To have something worthwhile in my possession? I built skyscrapers!"

"Annie," said Jeff, gently, "they were fake skyscrapers... and they were made out of potato."

"Yeah, but they were _my_ potatoes." Her shoulders slumped. "I guess I'm just sick of being broke and living in a neighbourhood where ten police raids in your apartment block is a good weekly average." She finally looked everyone in the eye. "So when the lights went out, I got a little crazed and ended the game on my terms so I'd be the winner by default."

"Screaming to throw everyone off your scent was a nice touch," said Abed.

"Not my proudest moment." Annie gathered her backpack from under the table. "If you guys don't mind I think I'm going to head off. I've done enough damage for one night."

"Are you going to be OK?" asked Jeff.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you all tomorrow."

They watched her walk away as the Dean's voice boomed through the microphone. "Attention students. Due to technical difficulties and the slight whoopsie of nearly setting the place alight, this Monopoly tournament will have to be postponed until further notice." The Dean sheepishly cleared his throat. "Turns out it was probably for the best anyway as I've since been informed that our special homemade boards would have disqualified us from the world record. Until next time, Greendalians, tally-ho!"

* * *

><p>After study group the next morning Jeff waited until he and Annie were the only ones left in the room before wordlessly placing a gift box in front of her. She opened her mouth to speak but Jeff just smirked at her and left.<p>

Carefully opening the box, Annie felt a smile spread across her lips when she saw what was inside. Sir Barkington, a green Monopoly house and a miniature cactus. She found a note tucked away next to the objects and opened it up to read.

_Happy pre-housewarming! Just getting in early with my gift (I hear cactuses are all the rage) to remind you that you _will_ get the dream one day. You're going to have the house and the dog (hopefully one that's more to scale – this one might just take a leak on the roof, be careful) and we'll all come over for the party. Shirley will tell you how to re-decorate, Troy will eat all your food, Abed will pretend to be Goldie Hawn in that Housesitter movie, Britta will bring you a knitted jumper for Sir Barkington (I can't believe you made me just type out that name), Pierce will spike your punch and I'll smile and nod at your story of how you wanted to paint the walls sunshine yellow but went for star shine yellow instead because "they're completely different shades, Jeff, and star shine just sounded cute". Anyway, point is, it's going to happen so get used to it. Oh, and if you need a lawyer to get you out of jail for murdering the Monopoly board you know who to call..._

Annie glanced out of the study room door where Jeff had walked out, even though she knew he was long gone. Feeling lighter, she put everything back in the box and set off for class.

_Next chapter - Sloth_


	3. Chapter 3 Sloth

**03. Sloth**

Jeff opened his front door and was met with the sight of Shirley wearing a surgical mask. "Michael Jackson," he greeted in a croaky voice.

Shirley frowned at him. "You're riddled with germs, Jeffrey; I'm not taking any chances." She handed him a shopping bag from the local drugstore. "Here's your cold medicine, some orange juice, throat lozenges and a few magazines..." she saw his interest pique, "for heaven's sake, not _those_ kinds of magazines, do I look like a pimp to you?"

He took the bag with a wry smile. "So what you're saying is that I don't have to pay you for bringing me all this stuff?" She stared him down until he reached for his wallet. "I'm just going to pretend you're smiling behind that mask."

Shirley took the cash off him and put it in her handbag. "Yeah, you keep thinking that."

"Seriously though, thank you for dropping by. As much as I hate to say it this flu has kind of wiped me out."

"It's no problem... but I do have a teeny favor to ask in return." She reached her hand out to tug at someone who had been slumped up against the wall of the corridor, hidden from view.

Jeff was surprised when Annie appeared with a blanket draped over her, looking just as tired as he felt. "Nice duckling pyjamas," he said.

"Nice red nose, Rudolph," she replied with a weary smile. "This wasn't my idea by the way."

"I just thought it would be easier to keep an eye on you two if you were both in the same building," said Shirley, gently guiding Annie into the apartment. "Jeff's place is closer to school and doesn't have the scent of homicide in the air."

"More like the scent of Vicks VapoRub," said Annie, wrinkling her nose as she sat down. "What did you do, bathe in it?"

"So sue me for not wanting to sound like some creepy mouth-breather," Jeff replied. "My nostrils need to be reminded who the boss is around here."

Shirley ushered Jeff onto the sofa and made sure he and Annie were comfortable. "I'll be back to check on you guys at lunch," she said, bringing them a glass of OJ each. "If you need anything before then just give one of the others a call because I'll be in class."

They watched her walk out the door with a wave before turning to look at each other. Annie self-consciously drew her blanket closer to herself, suddenly realising how unkempt she was, while Jeff tried to mess his hair around so it wasn't stuck so lifelessly to his head.

"Sorry for just turning up," said Annie. "Shirley threatened to fireman lift me downstairs if I didn't come with her and I wasn't about to call her bluff."

"That's OK... sorry the place looks like a junkyard." He emptied the bag Shirley had brought and used it as a bin for all the Kleenex on the coffee table. "I'm on my way to finding out how many times a person can sneeze in a row before their head explodes."

"Sounds like fun," she said.

"Yeah, it's really not." He gestured at himself. "This body isn't supposed to get sick. It's supposed to be a machine. I put in the good oil and I expect it to run, not just give up and turn itself over to the plague."

Annie coughed and leant back into the cushions. "Did you just compare yourself to a car?"

"No, a popcorn machine."

"Well car metaphors and plague hyperbole aside, I do know what you mean." She nudged her toe into the backpack Shirley had placed at her feet. "It sucks feeling so useless, and I don't like the fact that I'm missing out on my classes today."

"Oh please, you could miss a month of school and still be top of the class."

"A month? Don't even joke about that!" Annie dove into her backpack and took out all her books.

"Did you seriously bring homework with you?" said Jeff. "You're sick, you're allowed to have one day off."

Annie nodded at the coffee table. "And I suppose you weren't using those hand weights before I got here?"

"No... They're just very elaborate paper weights. This apartment is surprisingly breezy."

"Face it, Jeff; we don't cope well without our routines." She took a purple pen out of her pencil case. "You know what my first thought was when I got sick?"

"Gee I hope they still make Flintstones vitamins?"

"No, I wondered if Abed had a 'Boy in the Bubble' prop I could wear to my classes so I wouldn't infect anyone."

Jeff smiled. "That's pretty weird."

"I know..." She started doodling random pictures on her notebook. "And he doesn't have one in case you were getting any ideas."

"My first thought was if I should donate my body to science," Jeff admitted, noticing a smile tug at the corners of Annie's mouth. "I thought they could test me to see why a perfectly healthy guy developed scurvy and died."

"Scurvy, huh?"

"Yeah, I may have had the History Channel on at the time." He watched her trace the outline of a star.

"Maybe you're right," she said, putting down the pen. "Maybe we should just take a breather from our lives for one day. We could _challenge_ ourselves to relax."

"Wow, you're right, that _does_ sound incredibly relaxing," he teased.

She swatted his knee. "I'm serious. I won't even look at my homework and you're not allowed to worry about your body not being a car or whatever. Deal?"

"Deal." He waited for her to put her books away before shaking her hand.

They both sank back into the cushions and peered around the room. Annie's gaze fell on an infomercial for can openers playing on the TV while Jeff picked up the magazines Shirley had bought. One was about motorcycles, one looked like a poor man's Reader's Digest and the other was a vacuous gossip rag with a title that looked like it was supposed to be shouting at you (case in point: FRENZY!).

Jeff threw them back down on the sofa. "I think Shirley had a bet with herself to see if she could choose the three worst magazines on the planet. She won by the way." He sighed loudly. "Alright, I'm bored now."

"This relaxing thing is overrated," croaked Annie, taking another sip of her OJ. "Hated my class last semester and I'm hating it now." She watched Jeff fish around for his phone. "Who are you calling?"

"The entertainment cavalry," he grinned. "If we're stuck here in our sickbeds, we may as well milk it for all it's worth."

* * *

><p>Jeff and Annie lounged around as helplessly as they could while Britta put together two plates of food she bought from Denny's. She piled up the waffles and pancakes before bringing them over to the sick duo and placing everything on the table in front of them.<p>

"You've done well, fairy food-mother," said Jeff, passing a plate to Annie.

"Thanks, Britta, we owe you one."

"What?" said Jeff, noticing Britta eyeballing him. "I know my husky voice is pretty sexy but you're just going to have to control yourself."

"OK, one, you look like a truck hit you and then reversed to make sure it got the job done, so get over yourself," Britta curtly replied. "And two – pancakes? Aren't you allergic to any food that isn't protein powder?"

"It's comfort food," said Annie, biting into a waffle. "We're treating ourselves."

"Exactly," said Jeff, pouring syrup on his pancakes. "Want some?"

Britta shook her head. "I can't, I have to get back to school. We're doing improv in drama class today and I want to make sure I get paired up with the cute new guy so I can 'improv' a situation where we're forced to make out." She grinned and headed for the door. "Catch you later, germ incubators."

Jeff stared at the syrup soaking everything on his plate while Annie chewed thoughtfully. "This kind of tastes like nothing," she said, trying not to cough when the food went down the wrong way. "That's the worst thing about getting sick; all your senses are dulled."

"I might save this for later," said Jeff, putting his plate back on the table. "I should be ingesting cold and flu tablets anyway." He opened the box and sunk two pills back with a glass of water, noticing that Annie was gazing at him with a faraway look in her eyes. Jeff tucked the medicine down the side of the sofa. "I'll bet you've got all sorts of weird and wonderful alternative herbal remedies to take," he said, keeping his tone light. "You'll have to teach me your hippy ways."

Annie smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Oh yeah, you'd love it. I've got some cinnamon and ginger root, and there's also lavender aromatherapy oil to help me sleep."

"I'm not sure if you're trying to get better or make your own shampoo, but it's intriguing all the same." He took out his cell and scrolled through the phonebook. "Anyway," he continued, casually changing the topic, "who should we call on next?"

* * *

><p>Abed took a pile of DVDs out of his satchel. "I'm only breaking my 'no loaning' rule because you guys are sick. And because neither of you are Pierce." He handed the pile to Jeff. "See if you can guess the theme."<p>

Annie leant closer to Jeff while he sorted through the discs. "Outbreak, Panic in the Streets, Virus, The Stand," he frowned. "Is the theme to make us more depressed? Oh wait, and 13 Going On 30. Awesome, let me just shoot myself now to end the misery."

"That extra one's for Annie," said Abed. "She made a Mark Ruffalo emergency request."

Jeff took in Annie's sheepish grin. "Ugh, you're the worst."

"Is there anything else you two need before I go?" said Abed.

"Can you please put a DVD on for us?" said Annie, curling her feet under herself. "The TV's really far away and it hurts to move too much."

Abed nodded and put the Outbreak disc into the machine. "Keep an eye on Annie's Boobs," he said. Jeff's gaze gravitated towards Annie's chest in confusion just as Abed held up the DVD. "The monkey in the movie looks just like her," he added, tapping the front cover.

Jeff scratched the back of his neck. "Right, yeah, the monkey."

"We _have_ to re-name that thing," muttered Annie.

Abed left them to their own devices but they couldn't concentrate for long on the film. Every second scene was disrupted by a bout of coughing or a sneezing fit that rendered the dialogue useless. Jeff took the last Kleenex out of the box to appease his eighteenth sneeze in a row, his eyes watering from the effort.

"It's OK," said Annie, her voice gravelly. "I don't think your head's going to explode just yet, but give me a little warning so I can duck and cover."

"You know what I really miss?" said Jeff. "Being able to breathe properly. I've taken oxygen for granted lately, but now I want to take it out for a nice dinner, maybe buy it some flowers. Let it know I'm truly sorry."

"You really know how to show a chemical element a nice time, don't you?" smirked Annie.

"I'm a chemical Casanova, baby." Jeff screwed up his nose. "I'm going to blame that foray into lameness on the fact that I'm ill and my brain's fried. Let us never speak of it again."

"It's our little secret." Annie sniffed a few times. "You're right, though, breathing would be a great option right about now." She picked up the tub of Vicks and put a small dab of ointment on her fingers, awkwardly rubbing it into her back.

"Did you want me to like... help you with that or something?" Jeff inwardly cringed, hoping it didn't come off as creepy as it sounded in his head.

"Oh," said Annie, her face flushing, "um, sure. I mean you don't have to, I think I got it... on the collar of my pyjamas," she finished lamely. "At least the ducklings will breathe easier."

"Here, it'll be fine," he said, taking the tub from her hands. "I mean, seriously, look at us. Infested with germs, pasty complexions and Patty and Selma voices – we're pretty much asexual beings. Am I right?"

"Totally," said Annie, forcing a laugh. "I look gross, you look gross, it's win-win."

"Exactly," he said, scooping up some ointment. "Turn around and we'll get you breathing again in no time."

Annie faced the opposite direction and undid a few buttons of her pyjama top to give him better access. He gently tugged the back of her collar down and started to smooth the ointment into her skin. Jeff was having trouble sticking to the 'asexual being' part of the plan when he felt how warm she was under his fingertips.

"Uh, I think that's you done," he said, quickly pulling her top back up.

"Thanks," she murmured, doing a rash job of fastening her buttons before she turned around. "Did you want me to do you?"

Jeff licked his lips, letting that sentence echo through his mind. "That's OK. I can just drown myself in it later or something."

"No, don't be silly," said Annie, picking up the tub. "I'll feel bad if I don't repay the favor – fair's fair."

Jeff hesitantly turned around and lifted up the back of his t-shirt to his shoulders. Annie rubbed the ointment over his skin, feeling small jolts in her stomach every time his muscles tensed under her touch. _Oh God_, she thought briefly closing her eyes, _this should not be an enjoyable activity_. _Abort! Abort!_

"There we go, all done," she said, snatching her hand away. "Still working out that new back muscle I see," she joked a little too brightly.

"You know me," said Jeff, fixing his shirt, "never met an exercise I didn't like." They awkwardly laughed, Jeff trying not to fixate on the button Annie had slipped through the wrong buttonhole. He fumbled around for the safety net of his cell. "I think we should make another call don't you?"

* * *

><p>By the time Shirley returned during her lunch break, Jeff and Annie had called on the rest of the study group a few times each for the most menial of tasks. Britta looked ready to punch them both in the face when she was summoned to the apartment with a SOS text only to be asked to close the lounge room blinds because the light was hurting their eyes.<p>

Shirley set down the TV remote between them, giving them both the side eye. "You couldn't move the short distance from the sofa to the television to get this thing yourself?"

Jeff and Annie shook their heads. "Too far," croaked Annie.

"Troy must have left it there by mistake when we got him to change the batteries," added Jeff, coughing for good measure.

"You two do realize that you've only got colds, right?" said Shirley. "Last I checked that didn't include random bouts of paralysis."

"Now that you mention it my legs _did_ feel weird before," said Jeff, prodding his thigh. "You better keep that mask on, Shirley; this virus has got a mind of its own."

"We'd hate for you guys to get it when you've all been so helpful," said Annie with a sweet smile.

Shirley raised an eyebrow and shifted her handbag up her shoulder. "_Mmm-hmm_." She made tracks for the door. "Any last requests before I go? Did I put the jug of water close enough, or is thirty centimeters too far for your poor, delicate souls?"

"I'm sure we'll manage," said Jeff. "You better go back to school. Don't have too much fun without us!"

With one last suspicious glance, Shirley headed out. Jeff chuckled to himself but Annie didn't share in his glee. "I feel kind of bad for making everyone do stuff for us," she said. "I mean we're sick, but we're not that sick."

"Oh come on, Annie, it's just a bit of harmless fun," said Jeff, flicking the TV channels. "I'm sure they'd be doing the same thing if they were in our position. In fact, remember when Troy got sick last month when Starburns dared him to drink the fountain water?"

"Oh yeah," said Annie, wincing. "I ended up sitting by his bedside reading Calvin comics to him for two hours. Although I _was_ the one who offered..."

"Never mind the details, the fact is that we're all each other's surrogate families and this is just what families do." He found a Judge Judy repeat and smiled. "I used to go up against a judge like her in court all the time. The snark was kind of a turn on."

"I'm going to pretend that was the fever talking," said Annie with a shudder. "Eww, and now I have inappropriate mental images of you two. Thanks a lot, Jeff!"

"Are we hot? I'll bet we're hot."

"Shut up!"

Half an hour had passed before they decided to start up the group merry-go-round again. Annie sent a text to everyone, reminding them to email her any homework their professor gave them. She borrowed Jeff's laptop to check her inbox, surprised to see Troy's name pop up first. Annie clicked on the attachment and downloaded the file.

"What the heck?" she exclaimed. "If this is some kind of joke, Troy, I don't get it."

"What did he do?" asked Jeff.

"Sent me a page of notes in Wingdings font. Apparently we learnt a lot about smiley faces and flags today."

"He and Abed probably made some dumb code out of it."

Annie saw a new email pop up. "Wait, it's another one from Troy that says 'Whoops, here's the real stuff'." She downloaded the attachment but her face soon clouded over. "I'll kill him."

Jeff leant across to see the laptop screen. "What did he do now; type it all in Comic Sans? Because that's just cruel."

"He sent me the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap!"

"Yeah, I don't really remember that being in the curriculum."

Annie glowered at the screen. "I'll give him trouble in his neighbourhood alright," she muttered. "He knows how much I depend on my notes!"

"It'll be fine," said Jeff, "one of the others will come through." He saw that she had one new message. "See? Problem solved."

She opened the new email from Abed but the cloud of worry didn't lift from her face. "I think they're trying to send us a message," she said, showing Jeff the YouTube link Abed had directed her to.

Jeff pursed his lips together when a cartoon of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' started playing. "Maybe we pushed this whole helpless thing a bit too far," he admitted.

"You think?"

They jumped when Jeff's phone started to ring. Britta's name was on the caller ID. "Hello?" said Jeff, trying to make his voice sound as rough as possible.

"Oh hey, buddy," said Britta in an overly saccharine tone. "Hope you didn't exhaust yourself too much answering this call. Wouldn't want you to keel over and die or anything."

"No, it was fine," he rasped.

"Oh by the way, you're on speakerphone so the whole group can hear you."

"And Jesus," Shirley piped in.

Rolling his eyes, Jeff set his phone to speaker too so Annie could be included in the conversation.

"I hope you liked the video link I sent you," said Abed. "I thought I had today's theme all figured out, but after discussing things over with the group it seemed as though a new story was playing out."

Annie felt her face heat up. "Listen guys, we're really sorry we hijacked your goodwill and we promise to never do it again... but if it's OK, could I please have my notes now?"

"I don't know, Annie," said Troy. "It seems like you might need to take a leaf out of my home boy the Fresh Prince's book. His life got flipped, turned upside down, too, and he ended up having a pretty awesome time."

"I'll say. He got bone a Hollywood icon," said Pierce. "We're talking about that guy who married Grace Kelly, yeah?"

Britta sighed. "Just... go have a nap or something, Pierce."

"Sounds like a great idea," said Jeff. "I think I'm due for one too."

"Not so fast, Jeff," said Shirley. "Now I know you and Annie are ill, but we don't think it's fair that you've made us run around like maniacs for your own amusement. So we've decided to leave you to your own devices for the rest of the day."

"But... we're out of Kleenex," said Annie feebly, scrambling around the empty box.

"And we'd love to believe you," replied Britta, "but you told me that same thing this morning and guess what? There was another box sitting on the kitchen bench."

"Seriously, guys, we're sorry for this morning," said Jeff, "but we're really out of tissues and we're reaching Code Green emergency levels in the sinus area if you get what I'm saying."

He heard them murmuring amongst themselves before Britta came back on the line. "The punishment still stands. I'm sure you'll think of something. Catch you later, liars." The line went dead.

Annie stared at him, horrified. "What am I going to do about my homework?"

Jeff put his phone away and tried to resist the urge to sneeze. "We're going to have to use toilet paper for tissues," he muttered in distaste. "I swore back in my share house days I'd never do that again..."

"Jeff, stop being a snob and focus on the real problem here – my grades!"

"It'll be fine. Everything will return to normal tomorrow." He glanced at her. "What are you worrying about homework for anyway? I thought you were taking a break today?"

"I couldn't do it, OK?" she blurted out. "There was no way I could relax when my books were calling my name... I've written half an essay and made plans for a diorama," she admitted in a small voice.

"When the hell did you do that? I've been with you all day!"

"You fell asleep during one of the DVDs. Did you know you twitch a lot when you dream?" She smiled to herself. "You looked someone was giving you mini-electric shocks, it was kind of cute."

"Only _you_ would find electric shocks cute, you sadist," he drawled.

She rested her head on the back of the sofa and gave him the doe eyes. "I'm sorry I reneged on the deal. Can you forgive me?"

"I suppose so... but only because I did the same thing." He smirked when she yelped at him in annoyance. "Guess we're even."

"But when? And what?"

"When you went to the bathroom I threw out that Denny's crap and ate an orange."

"You cheated on pancakes with fruit?" she gaped at him. "Your food logic makes me sad."

"I guess we really are both stuck in our routines." Jeff sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "What are we going to do about fending for ourselves? I could drive down to the store for more supplies... but I'm actually feeling kind of drowsy." He mirrored Annie's slumped position on the couch.

"I'd offer to go but I've got this whole embarrassing outfit thing going on. Although now that you mention it, I'm feeling a bit tired too." She mused on that thought. "Do you think we might have tired ourselves out by pretending we were more tired than we actually were?"

Jeff blinked at her. "I don't know, but the word tired sounds weird to me now." He shifted around to get more comfortable. "Let's just take it easy for a while and then think about the outside world. Agreed?"

"Agreed... but please don't find anymore Judge Judy re-runs to watch."

"I can't make any promises."

* * *

><p>Shirley opened Jeff's door with the key he gave her earlier and smiled to herself when she saw the two invalids. They were both fast asleep; Annie curled up on Jeff's chest while he had his arm gently wrapped around her. Troy appeared next to Shirley, ready to collect Abed's DVDs for him while he was busy shooting his Community College Chronicles, but looked hesitant at disturbing his friends.<p>

"They look so cute," he murmured, jumping slightly when Jeff started to twitch around. "OK, now it just looks like Jeff is being murdered in his sleep by Freddy Kruger."

Shirley waited until Jeff had settled before taking one of Annie's books and scrawling a quick note. "I'll tell Annie I'll swing by later tonight to take her home. They look like they need their rest."

She turned to leave when she noticed Troy lining up his cell phone to take a photo. "What are you doing?" she whispered.

"Getting revenge," he said, snapping a shot. "Next time they want to gang up on us I'll just show them this sweet little nap time photo complete with drool and a roll of toilet paper resting on Jeff's lap."

"Troy..."

"I know, I know, 'that's not nice'."

Shirley moved her mask to the side of her face and smirked at him. "No, I was just going to say make sure you send me a copy."

They quietly high-fived before sneaking back out the door.

_Next chapter - Lust_


	4. Chapter 4 Lust

**04. Lust**

Greendale was a chaotic sight. Half the campus population had spilled out into the parking lot with people's moods ranging from confused to alarmed, while five ambulances took priority position in a safe spot away from the school buildings. In the midst of all the madness, Jeff and Annie grimly sat next to each other on the sidewalk wearing blankets provided by the paramedics and nothing more than swimsuits underneath. They could feel the scrutinizing gaze of the rest of the study group, who stood around them in a semi-circle.

"So let me get this straight," said Britta, hands on hips. "There's a potential gas leak, a student with concussion and a tater tot uproar... all because of you two?"

"And their raging libidos," said Abed, the only other group member wearing the blanket and swimsuit combo. "Admittedly I only witnessed the first half of their ongoing rom-com, but I'm assuming the UST continued once they reached the pool locker room."

Jeff sank his head into his hands. "Can we just... _not_ with the libidos and the UST and the whatever else you want to take from the over-analyzing microchip in your brain?"

"He's only calling it like he sees it, Hugh Hefner," smirked Britta. "You really think you would have learnt to compartmentalize by now, huh?"

"Let's just move on from this entire conversation shall we?" Annie piped up, grasping her blanket together at the front as tightly as she could. "There are bigger things to worry about now than silly accusations."

"Like that poor person who was concussed?" asked Shirley.

Annie bit her lip. "Well I was going to say my lack of pants... but that's good too."

"Moving on isn't going to work, Annie," said Troy. "We think it will, but then there's just more yelling and name-calling and me dying from a nosebleed." He pointed at her with fierce determination. "And I'm not dying until me and Abed have been to space and found planet Krypton."

"Is that before or after you ride a unicorn?" asked Jeff.

Troy gave him a withering glare. "What's that Jeff? You want to talk about your sexy times with Annie? Cool, go right ahead."

"Troy! Gross!" Annie yelped, glaring at Pierce who started to chuckle when he got the joke. "Are you happy now? You've set off Pierce for the day."

"Speaking of things with horns..."

"Don't even start or so help me I will knock you out with my purse," glowered Shirley, ignoring Pierce when he pulled a face at her.

"Why am I the bad guy here?" said Pierce, gesturing at Jeff and Annie. "They're the ones on heat like two feral cats."

"I thought that only happened to female cats?" said Abed. "Unless of course we weren't meant to picture Jeff as a male cat in this scenario?"

Jeff clenched his jaw. "How about we don't picture Jeff at all?"

"It wouldn't work anyway," said Troy, "male cats are about as real as, I dunno, _spider monkeys_."

"Spider monkeys _are_ real, Troy," said Annie.

Troy gaped at her. "There are monkeys out there that can make webs? Dude, does the _government_ know about this?"

"OK, let's steer this conversation back to the original topic," said Britta, clasping her hands together, "which is finding out exactly how Jeff and Annie ruined Tater Tot Tuesday for everyone."

Annie wrinkled her nose. "Ruin's kind of a strong word..."

"Do you _see_ me with delicious tater tots in my hands?" asked Troy.

"Again with the stupid tots," Jeff exhaled. "For the last time we did _not_ ruin anything. All you're running on is hearsay and circumstantial evidence."

"No one said anything about circumcision, Winger," said Pierce. "And you think I'm the pervert," he murmured to Shirley out of the side of his mouth.

"I don't think, I know," said Shirley, pursing her lips together.

"Britta does have a point, though, guys," said Abed, looking between Jeff and Annie. "You and your hormones do tend to ruin a lot of stuff."

"_We_ ruin things?" scoffed Jeff. "Need I remind you you're taking your cue from Britta? The woman whose motto is 'never met a buzz I couldn't kill'?"

"Better than your motto, 'I'm a douche, ask me how'," Britta sneered. "And I'm pretty sure I haven't ruined anything since Cupcake Day."

"That was a bad, bad day," whispered Troy.

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Blondie," said Pierce, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "You didn't ruin Cupcake Day; it was Heckle and Jeckle over there."

"Jeff and Annie?" said Britta. "But the cupcakes went down like dominos and..."

"It was all them," he replied, as Jeff and Annie swiftly avoided eye contact with everyone.

Britta looked murderous. "You guys _suck_! I've been feeling like crap this whole time and I didn't even need to. I've seriously been having nightmares about those cupcakes you jags!" She turned back to Pierce. "And you! Why didn't you say something before now?"

Pierce shrugged. "Just a bit of fun."

"How about I get my knitting needles and use you as a pincushion, would that be fun too?"

"Stabbing Pierce can wait, Britta," said Troy, putting out his arm to hold her back. "First I want to hear how Jeff and Annie killed my dreams of eating free cupcakes until I hurled."

"Let's not dwell on the past," said Jeff. "What's done is..."

Pierce cleared his throat. "It all went to hell when perma-tan laid eyes on Annie's desserts."

* * *

><p><strong>Cupcake Day (aka that time Troy didn't hurl)<strong>

Pierce hovered behind the Luis Guzman statue, fixing the dial on his mini-earnoculars while he listened in on Troy, Abed, Britta and Shirley's conversation. They were gathered under the trees watching a catering company set up cupcake pyramids on a long row of folding tables.

"_Gonna get my cupcake on, gonna eat a ton_," Troy giddily sang, "_gonna get my cupcake on, until I hurl and run_."

"OK, officially grossed out now," said Britta, rolling her eyes when Troy and Abed high-fived.

"It was nice of the Dean to do this for our first day back," said Shirley. "Although I'm not sure spending the last of the paintball money on sugary treats was the best idea. Especially when my brownies would probably kick their ass," she muttered.

"Are you kidding me?" said Troy. "It's the best idea I've heard since me and Abed decided to re-enact our favorite episodes of Firefly and post them on YouTube."

Abed nodded in agreeance. "Thirty-five views and counting."

Bored of their conversation, Pierce edged over to the right, using a hedge for cover when he spotted Jeff and Annie chatting to one another at the far end of the folding tables. He turned up the volume on his earnoculars.

"... and what should we tell the group?" said Jeff, mid-way through his question.

"We don't tell them anything," replied Annie, conspiratorially. "This is just between you and me. I think we should..." she stopped abruptly, gazing past Jeff's shoulder. "Um, I think we should decide what cupcakes we want before everyone gets their hands on them."

Jeff frowned. "Your big plan is cupcakes?"

"Yeah," said Annie, uneasily. "There's some cute ones. Like that one with the goblin face on it and his _big ears_."

"_Ohhh_, yeah you're right, wouldn't want to miss out." He casually glanced around the campus before turning his attention back to the cakes. "I think I could probably sacrifice the diet for a red velvet one. Or maybe half of one... Do you want to share?"

"Do I look like half a cupcake girl to you?" said Annie. "I plan on devouring three or four of these things."

"Devour, hey?" smirked Jeff. "Nice to see you've got a healthy appetite... for cake."

Annie pretended to look affronted but couldn't help a smile tugging at her mouth. "It's a shame I can't say the same thing about you. A healthy appetite for lettuce just doesn't have the same ring to it."

"No it doesn't. But sometimes I am a sucker for sweet things. I can't help myself."

Ducking her head, Annie bit back a laugh and focused on the cupcakes, leaning in closer to inspect the designs. "I like the ones with the stars on them."

Jeff mimicked her stance, his arm brushing against hers as he rested his hands on the table. He was just about to respond when the table suddenly gave way under his weight and the pyramid of cupcakes toppled to the ground. Horrified, Jeff grabbed Annie's hand and yanked her away from the table behind the catering van as one by one the other cupcake pyramids succumbed to the wobbling and landed in the dirt.

Troy's eyes widened in shock as the catering staff looked on in dismay. When he saw that Britta's foot was on the edge of a tablecloth he started to yelp in a high-pitched voice. "You, you... _Cupcake destroyer_! Why do you hate me, Britta, why?"

Bewildered, Britta stared down at her foot and then at all the piles of ruined dessert. "But how could I..? I don't even remember stepping on the..?" She hid her face in her hands. "Oh God, who am I kidding, I'm a ruiner! I'm just like King Midas, except everything I touch turns to crap!"

Shirley rubbed Britta's arm. "We know, sweetie."

Abed tried to calm Troy down when he started to sob. "Maybe you could still eat the ones on top? I don't think the dirt got to them."

"You think so, Abed?" said Troy, daring to hope.

"You could be a hero, Troy. Save the cheerleading design cupcakes, save the world."

Falling to his knees, Troy was just about to grab a cupcake with pom-poms on it when a bird swooped down and knocked it out of his hand. "Hey! Cut it out!"

Britta warily eyed the surrounding trees. "Uh, guys..." A cacophony of chirping made her shiver. "I think the birds know the food is theirs for the taking now it's on the ground."

"Like hell it is," said Troy, quickly scooping up an armful of cakes. He yelled again when another bird sailed past his head. "Holy crap!"

Abed started to slowly inch away. "I'm getting bad Hitchcock vibes from this..."

All of a sudden a massive flock of birds erupted from the trees and dove for the cupcakes, making people scatter everywhere.

"Sweet baby Jesus!" cried Shirley, racing off with Britta and Abed.

Troy cowered on the ground, covering his head from the feathery attack. "So many pointy beaks!" he scream-sobbed. "I hate you, Britta! _I hate you_!"

* * *

><p>Five pairs of eyes were directed at Jeff and Annie as the truth settled in. Britta was so furious she'd gone beyond her usual sour face, causing her lips to nearly invert.<p>

"You know what, guys?" said Jeff, giving his friends a winning smile. "The best thing about our group is that we can look back on situations like this and laugh."

"Laugh, Jeff?" said Troy, barely suppressing his rage. "To this day I still can't play Angry Birds without breaking into a sweat!"

"You said the same thing last week about Tetris because the blocks reminded you of when your cousin dared you to eat Lego as a kid and you choked!" Jeff retorted. "You're a walking minefield of issues!"

"Leave the poor boy alone, Jeffrey," said Shirley. "It's not his fault your canoodling with Annie has him traumatized."

Annie groaned in annoyance. "There was no canoodling! It was an accident, pure and simple."

"Then what was all that talk about not telling the group what you were up to?" said Pierce.

She swapped a look with Jeff – no one was supposed to know about their plan to get Pierce back in the group. "It wasn't what you think it was," she sighed.

"Whatever. It still doesn't change the fact that you guys lied," said Troy. "Britta, I'm sorry I called you Captain Suckington of the Starship Suckitude... and made up a theme song for it."

"And I'm sorry I called you the human equivalent of a Katherine Heigl movie," said Abed.

Britta ducked her head. "That one really stung."

"Alright, fine," said Jeff, "Annie and I may have had a hand in turning Cupcake Day to crap and we apologize for that. But it was a one-off occurrence."

"Exactly," said Annie. "There's no way we're ruiners."

"Oh really?" said Shirley, raising an eyebrow. "So we're just conveniently forgetting my son's birthday during summer vacation?"

"... Dammit," muttered Jeff.

* * *

><p><strong>Elijah's birthday party<strong>

Jeff walked out of Shirley's back door towards the grill Andre was manning in the yard. Shirley had sent him inside for the tray of knives and forks to bring out to the picnic table. On the way Jeff kept an eye out for his friends, wondering if he could slip away unnoticed before another screaming kid trampled on his designer shoes. Britta was playing with Ben, Pierce was chatting to Shirley's relatives, and by their body language making them extremely uncomfortable, Troy and Abed were re-enacting the latest paintball game to a group of enraptured kids and Annie... Jeff stopped in his tracks

Annie was having the time of her life leaping around the jumping castle Shirley hired.

Jeff tried to look away, but the sight was mesmerizing. Shirley glanced up from Britta and Ben to see what was keeping Jeff with the cutlery. She followed his line of vision, her face going from curious to annoyed in a split second.

"Jeffrey Winger you get your behind over here right now!" she yelled out.

Startled, Jeff guiltily turned his attention away from the separate bouncy castle happening on Annie's chest and broke into a brisk walk. In his haste he didn't see the ropes keeping the structure attached to the ground and tripped over, sending the knives and forks flying into the air - right into the side of the castle.

* * *

><p>"It was like a really sad whoopee cushion," Troy reminisced.<p>

"Do you know how long it took me to save up to hire that 'sad whoopee cushion'?" Shirley asked Jeff.

"I reimbursed you the money," Jeff meekly reminded her.

"That's not the point," she replied. "There was only supposed to be corn dogs at my boy's birthday, not _horn dogs_."

"I think we should stop talking about this now," said Annie, trying to halt the crimson flush spreading up her neck. "It's not fair that you're ganging up on Jeff."

"Oh, we can gang up on you too if you like?" said Britta.

Annie let out a squeak of alarm. "That's not what I meant!"

"How about I tell you all about the time Annie and Jeff ruined my relationship with my cats?"

"Britta!"

"Sorry, Annie, but I'm still hacked off about the Cupcake Day lies," said Britta, lifting her chin in defiance. "Troy's mean theme song really caught on."

* * *

><p><strong>The time Annie and Jeff ruined Britta's relationship with her cats<strong>

Jeff leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms behind his head as the study session wound up for the day. "OK, does everyone have their research question to look up for homework?"

Troy read off his notepad. "Find out why The Hulk's pants don't rip when his shirt does."

"Excellent."

"One of these days we should really use our study time to study for our class," said Shirley, putting her books away in her purse.

Jeff brought his arms back down, fixing his shirt where it had ridden up his stomach. "Oh Shirley, here I was thinking _kids_ say the darndest things, but you're giving them a run for their money."

"You've been sitting next to Annie too long," Britta teased her friend. She waited for a reaction from Annie but it didn't come. Glancing away from Shirley, Britta noticed that Annie was intently focused on putting things in her backpack and seemed to be muttering to herself. "Earth to Annie," said Britta, cupping her hands around her mouth.

"Sorry, what?" said Annie, snapping her head up.

"We've reached the portion of the day where we pick on your nerdy behavior," Abed filled in, waiting for Troy to stop drawing a picture of The Hulk. "Your response time's a little slow today."

"Oh, right." She stood up and swung her bag on her back. "Um, you're just jealous that I'm so organized... or whatever. Let's just go to lunch."

Britta gave her an odd look as she rushed out. Starburns walked past the entrance at the same moment and started to sing when he saw Britta.

"_Captain Suckington in the sky, she sucks and that's no lie! She killed the cakes, with the quakes, on her Starship Suckitude_..." He dodged a piece of crumpled up paper Britta threw at him, humming the song as he strode away.

"That song is driving me insane!" said Britta, staring at Troy. "Are you happy now you've tainted your precious Reading Rainbow?"

"Worth every penny," said Troy.

Pierce fumbled around in his jacket pocket when his cell started to ring. Britta's eyes widened when she heard Troy's voice as the ring tone.

"... _with the quakes_..." Pierce absently sang along before finally locating the phone.

Troy grinned at Britta. "Did I mention? There's a _lot_ of pennies."

After lunch, Britta waited next to Jeff while he bent down to tie his shoelace. She wasn't sure if her ears were playing tricks on her or if someone was singing Troy's song somewhere in the cafeteria. As she looked around, she nearly got bowled over by Annie, who was gripping her notebook to her chest and mumbling something about a cat.

"Annie, hey, wait up! I'll walk with you," called Britta, but she didn't slow down her pace.

"Can't, sorry Britta!" she yelled back over her shoulder. "See you in class!"

"What is with her today?" said Britta, as Jeff finished with his shoe.

"Could be anything," Jeff shrugged. "New color pen on sale at the bookshop, stressing about a ten-page essay she's doing for extra credit, who knows?"

"Did you hear her say something about a cat?"

He smirked at her. "No I didn't, Catwoman, but it's nice to see that Spidey senses work for other species."

"Shut up, jerk features. I should have let you trip on that lace."

The next morning Britta and Annie sat outside while Jeff and Troy played basketball before class. The boys were mocking one another while they played and Britta watched them, rolling her eyes.

"Do you think they keep spare muscle shirts on them at all times just in case the situation ever arises to show off their biceps?" She turned towards Annie with a grin, but noticed that her friend had gone slightly red. And the muttering had returned... "OK, what gives mumbling Myrtle?"

Annie gave her a deer in headlights look. "Nothing... and I think you mean Moaning Myrtle if you were trying to Harry Potter me."

"Mumbling, moaning, whatevs," said Britta, "this is the third time I've caught you doing it and to be honest, you kind of sound like the guy who lives at the bus stop and tap dances for spare change."

"Gee, thanks."

"So..." prompted Britta. "What's going on?"

Annie straightened her sweater. "You'll make fun of me."

"I won't... OK, there's the slight possibility that I might, but that's just what friends do." She leaned in closer. "Seriously, you can tell me."

"This is kind of awkward..."

Britta noticed her eyes travel over to where Troy was doing his 'told you so' dance for Jeff and something clicked. "It's about Jeff isn't it?" Annie nodded sheepishly. "Alright, maybe a little bit awkward but we're adults. We can handle it."

"You're completely right," said Annie, nodding in determination. She looked Britta in the eye and brought her voice to a whisper. "Lately I've been getting these urges to just jump on Jeff and... I don't know... _have my way with him_ or something!"

"Jeepers, Annie!" said Britta, clamping her hand over her mouth when the boys glanced over to see what was going on. "Sorry," she added in a low voice, "you just kind of took me by surprise."

"You're taken by surprise? What about me! My body's got a mind of its own!"

"Hang on, that still doesn't explain the mumbling."

Annie scrunched up her nose. "The fantasies happen at really inopportune times, like in class or in the study group – and there's no way I want certain people in the group catching on," she added with a pointed look. "So I try to trick my brain into associating the lusty thoughts with horrible images."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, like Pierce wearing a mankini."

Britta gave an involuntary heave. "Yeah, that'd do it."

"Or sometimes I have to picture super awful things, like puppies with rabies or I just start up a chant like, 'dead cats, dead kittens, dead cats, dead kittens', and that usually does the trick."

Britta appeared as though she'd just been slapped. "That's _terrible_, Annie!"

"I know! And I feel like such a horrible person, but it's the only thing that works!"

"What have cats ever done to you?" Britta grabbed her coffee cup and her folder.

"Wait, where are you going?" said Annie.

"Away from here before you catch a glimpse of Jeff's thigh and start going all Rainman about dead bunnies!"

* * *

><p>Annie wanted the ground to open up and swallow her, especially when she noticed Jeff sneaking glances at her out of the corner of her eye.<p>

"You corrupted my brain!" said Britta. "Not long after that day the latch on my apartment door needed fixing and this repairman came over – who, let me tell you, was pretty studly in the looks department. But then your voice started to creep in, '_dead cats, dead cats'_, and it made me think about _my_ cats dying." She glared at Annie. "You know what's not a fun way to spend the day? Crying in front of a hot repairman, telling him your plans to be buried with your cats! He thought I was crazy."

"Dude may have had a point, Britta," said Troy. "I mean, how are you supposed to fit in a tiny cat coffin?"

"Britta I'm sorry," said Annie. "I didn't mean to make you upset."

"Too late now, Annie, the psychological damage has already been done."

"I'll say," said Shirley with a grimace. "There's not enough brain bleach in the world to un-see Pierce in a mankini." The group made simultaneous gagging noises.

"Hey! I look like a Greek God under these layers," said Pierce in outrage, tugging at his clothes.

"Pierce, stop undoing your pants!" barked Jeff. "We're going to pretend to believe you. And everyone else can put down the pitchforks because the Jeff and Annie witch hunt is over."

Troy folded his arms. "Not yet it isn't. I've still got a T-Bone to pick with you two."

"Nice one," murmured Abed.

"Thanks, man. I've been waiting to use it all day."

* * *

><p><strong>T-Bone's T-ragedy<strong>

There was an enigmatic air surrounding Carnival Day at Greendale...

* * *

><p>"Get to the point Troy," growled Jeff.<p>

Troy narrowed his eyes. "Well excuse me for trying to blow your minds with some word of the day toilet paper knowledge."

* * *

><p><strong>T-Bone's T-ragedy (the abridged version)<strong>

The competitors were lined up in pairs for the three-legged race, waiting for the starter's gun to go off. Troy made sure his leg was secured tightly to Abed's and checked out the competition. He was pretty sure they could beat the Vicki/Neil and Garrett/Leonard combos, but Jeff and Annie were the wildcards.

"Troy's hands were unbelievably sweaty as he stared ahead to the finishing line. He knew that he only needed one more race to take out the 'King of the Carnival' title and become Greendale's hero."

"Dude your voiceovers rock," said Troy, bumping fists with Abed. "I don't know why Jeff yells at you all the time about them."

"He'll see their value one day."

The Dean called for everyone's attention as he pointed the gun up in the air. "Before we start I'd just like to thank our sponsor for this race, Hank's Hunk-o-torium." He read off their information card. "We have three-legged beasts of a different kind!" The Dean paused. "Oh dear... OK, moving swiftly along."

With a brief countdown he fired the gun and everyone took off. Troy and Abed broke ahead of the pack keeping a steady rhythm thanks to all the running practice they had put in before the big day. Garrett and Leonard were already down for the count thanks to Garrett having an asthma attack after a few steps. Troy could see that Vicki and Neil were coming in third, but when he turned his head for another check he was alarmed to see that Jeff and Annie were right on their tails.

"How does that even work?" said Troy, gasping for breath. "He's like a hundred feet taller than her! She should be getting dragged along the ground right about now."

"Are you sure Annie's not being helped along by various cartoon woodland creatures?" asked Abed. "I wouldn't put it past her to Disney this thing up."

"Or maybe we're just awesome!" cried Annie as she and Jeff bolted right past them.

Troy let out a scream of anguish. "Abed I thought you said these The Cape capes were gonna carry us on the wind like vigilante _angels_!"

"I may have miscalculated," said Abed, trying to flick the black material out to pick up more speed.

Things were looking grim until, as if by magic, Jeff and Annie suddenly fell into a heap on the ground. Troy broke out into a grin... before realising they weren't moving out of the way any time soon. Annie had landed awkwardly on top of Jeff and the two of them were too busy staring at one another to notice their surroundings.

"Stop undressing each other with your eyes and get up!" yelled Troy, knowing that he and Abed couldn't suddenly veer to the side with the momentum they were travelling at. "Move your asses! _Ahhhhh_!"

Almost like they were in slow motion, Troy and Abed tripped over Jeff and Annie's bodies and fell to the ground with a thud. Troy wearily lifted his head just in time to see Vicki and Neil gallop by and cross over the finish line. A giggle from Annie cut into his thoughts and he stared at her as Jeff helped her to her feet.

"Milady," smiled Jeff.

"Milord," said Annie, taking his hand.

Troy rolled onto his back and stared into the sky. "I'm gonna pee on everything you love..." he whispered menacingly.

* * *

><p>"It's not like you lost an Olympic marathon, Troy," said Jeff, trying to reason with him. "The prize was a crappy plastic crown from the toy store."<p>

"And an old timey scroll with my name printed on it," Troy shot back.

Annie stood up and carefully approached Troy. "I can make you a scroll if you like?" She put her eyes on high beam sincerity. "It could be like an apology scroll for causing the accident and messing up your race."

Troy considered the proposal. "Can you use old timey words on it like 'hark' and 'VCR'?"

"I'm not sure how VCR would fit in... but sure!" She beamed at him and patted his arm. "Anything to make you feel better."

Jeff got to his feet and addressed the group. "OK, that's it. I hereby declare that story time is over. We get it, you think we suck, and we're truly sorry. But it's not like we can get in a time machine and change anything."

"Well actually..." said Abed.

"Abed, please do not mention the words 'TARDIS' or 'time desk' because I'm not in the mood." He waved his arm towards the parking lot. "We've been stuck in our little group therapy session from hell so long that half the people have gone back into the building. Obviously the crisis is over, so I think we should call it a day and get on with our lives."

"You can speechify all you want, Jeff," said Shirley. "It doesn't change the fact that you and Annie need to think before you fire your love pheromones at each other."

"For crying out loud, we're not _skunks_, Shirley," said Annie. "And I don't want to talk about this anymore either, I just want some pants!"

"But I still don't know what happened to Tater Tot Tuesday," said Britta. "Don't leave me hanging."

"It wasn't your ordinary game of water volleyball. Jeff knew that he..."

"Abed, seriously!" Jeff gave him a warning look. "Today is not the day where I suddenly see the value of your voiceovers."

"Duly noted."

"I'm bored now," said Pierce. "Let's go and see if the cafeteria's reopened."

Knowing that they weren't going to get any more information for the time being, Pierce, Britta, Shirley and Troy trudged away in the direction of the main building.

Abed started to make his way to the locker rooms leaving Jeff and Annie behind. "You two probably need some time alone to process everything... try not to harm anyone, OK?"

Annie and Jeff glanced at one another with uneasy smiles. "Weird day, huh?" said Annie.

"On a weirdness scale of one to Greendale, we've definitely reached the top end," replied Jeff. "You know they're just messing with us right? I mean we're not ruiners."

"Exactly. That's such a silly thing to say!" They fell silent as they walked past one of the ambulances where Leonard was fighting with a paramedic about going to the hospital. "We did nearly kill Leonard, though..." Annie said guiltily.

"Nah, it's just a little concussion, he's fine. Aren't you Leonard?" Jeff flinched when the old man flipped him the bird. "Oh come on, you're nearly a million years old, just accept your fate!"

They continued walking slowly. "Not that I want to make things more awkward," said Annie, "but do you think we should talk about what happened before in the locker room?"

Jeff scratched the back of his neck. "Um... I don't really know." He noticed a slight flicker of disappointment shadow her face. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to pretend it didn't happen... but I guess I'm not sure how to begin."

"Me either to be honest."

He gave her a playful smile. "I do know it was the highlight of the lesson, though."

"Definitely," she said, a smirk spreading across her mouth.

* * *

><p><strong>The locker room incident<strong>

Abed sat on the side of the heated pool, dangling his legs into the water while he took notes on the game of water volleyball being played. Jeff swam up towards him while the teams had a two minute break.

"Tell me again why you're just sitting there while the rest of us slave away making idiots of ourselves?" asked Jeff.

"Research," said Abed, tapping his book. "I've asked the Dean if I can sit in on every elective to gain a better understanding of college life for my web series. For example, I've discovered that characters like yourself who originally join the class in the hopes of seeing hot chicks in next to nothing, would ironically end up in a class of people Leonard's age."

"So many prune-like bodies," shuddered Jeff.

"Except for Annie of course." They looked over to where an old lady named Maura was demonstrating a serve to her. "Her bikini-clad body would be like a diamond in the rough for your eyes, no?"

"I hadn't even noticed," said Jeff, feigning nonchalance. "I've been too busy trying not to drown the elderly."

"Sure."

Jeff glanced at Abed's notes. "Why is Annie in this class anyway?"

"She's trying to find her niche. We chatted a lot over the break..."

"You did?"

"Focus, Jeff."

"Sorry."

"We chatted a lot and she told me that she wanted to find something else she was good at besides studying. I told her about my elective plan and she thought she'd try a few things out herself."

"And that thing had to involve a bikini," muttered Jeff. Hearing the coach blow the whistle, Jeff kicked off from the pool wall and glided on his back towards his team, accidentally bumping into someone. Jeff let himself sink so he was on his feet and turned around, right into Annie.

"Hi there," she smiled.

"Oh, hey. Sorry about that." They bobbed around in the water, their legs occasionally brushing up against one another. Jeff used all the willpower he had in his vault not to cast his eyes downward towards Annie's cleavage.

"I don't think I'm cut out for this volleyball thing," she admitted. "There's a ninety year old woman over there with better game than me."

"How do you think I feel? Leonard keeps hitting the ball towards my face with inhuman strength." Jeff dropped his voice into a stage whisper. "I think he's on horse steroids."

Annie laughed and flicked some water at him. "Sounds like someone needs to man up."

"Oh really?" said Jeff, splashing her in return.

Annie was about to scoop up a big handful of water to aim at his face when she suddenly let out a little shriek and latched onto Jeff.

"What?" he said in alarm, one hand automatically going around her waist. "Oh God, there wasn't a warm patch of water was there?"

"No," she cringed, pointing at something. "Someone's gross bandaid." She glided her hands through the water so it would float in the opposite direction, only then realising that Jeff's abs were pressed up against her body. Annie quickly scooted away a safe distance.

Jeff could see that she was chanting something under her breath and was about to question her on it when the coach blew the whistle again. This time because Leonard had served the ball so hard he busted a hole in it.

"That was our one and only ball," the coach informed them in an annoyed tone. "We were supposed to get more this semester but _someone_ spent the rest of the budget on dirt cupcakes. _Anyway_... New plan. We're going to have kickboard races." He pointed at Jeff and Annie. "You two with the non-saggy bodies. Go to the locker room and grab all the kickboards while we pack the net away."

Annie leapt out of the pool before Jeff had even made it halfway to the steps. By the time he reached the locker room, Annie was standing on the bench in the middle trying to reach the top of the lockers. Jeff had to take a moment to keep himself calm, which wasn't easy when Annie was standing in front of him, soaking wet, with her ass wiggling ever so slightly every time she moved around.

"Um, here, let me help you..." Jeff walked over to her just as she turned around.

"Could you reach up and..." Annie's breath hitched in her throat when she realised how close her face was to Jeff's. "It's nice not to have to crane my neck to see you," she said quietly.

Unable to resist any longer, Jeff leant in and kissed her, sliding his hands around her body. Annie was quick to respond, snaking one hand through his damp hair and letting the other explore the muscles tensing in his back. Their bodies pressed even closer together as the kissing intensified, like they were afraid to break the spell and lose contact. Jeff lifted Annie up so she could wrap her legs around him. He was about to step over the bench so Annie's back was against the lockers when they were interrupted by a wolf whistle.

"Coach sent me in to see what was holding you two up, but it looks like I'm just in time for the show," said Leonard, standing near the end of the lockers.

Startled, Jeff lost his footing and stumbled forward, careening himself and Annie into the flimsy structures. The shove was enough to send everything on top of the lockers tumbling to the ground. Jeff shielded Annie as a barrage of items went flying and Leonard yelped in pain as a kickboard hit him right in the middle of his forehead. When the noise finally stopped, Jeff let go of Annie, who rushed over to check on Leonard. He looked around to survey the damage and only then noticed that a noise was coming from a gas pipe where a bunch of crap had landed on it.

"Annie? We need to get the hell out of here!"

* * *

><p>"Really when you think about it... it was kind of Leonard's fault that they had to shut down all the buildings," said Jeff. "Including the cafeteria right before the lunch rush."<p>

"It had to happen on Tater Tot Tuesday," said Annie ruefully.

"We should set up a 'blame Leonard' Facebook page tonight for damage control."

Annie swatted his arm. "Jeff we can't do that."

"You're right... we'll make a Twitter profile for him."

He grinned and ducked out of the way of another swatting attempt, noticing that her blanket had slipped down one side of her shoulders. The atmosphere around them charged with energy as their eyes met.

"Well I better go change!" said Annie in a high voice.

"Me too. I was going to say those words too..." Jeff inwardly cringed at his lack of cool. "Um, you go in first then and I'll grab my stuff after you."

"OK, cool. See ya!"

Annie skittered away mumbling to herself about dead cats while Jeff tried to conjure up an image of Pierce wearing Annie's red bikini.

_Next chapter - Pride_


	5. Chapter 5 Pride

**05. Pride**

"... and I don't see why we should be defiling school property," said Annie, folding her arms.

Troy followed Abed into the study room, latching onto the fragment of conversation. "Defiling what now? Did Pierce get confused and pee in the drinking fountain again?"

"Hey, that's only happened twice," Pierce retorted. "And besides, third time's a charm."

"I'll remember that next time I want some pee water."

"First of all, gross," said Annie, wrinkling her nose. "And second of all, this has nothing to do with urine. I was making a point to Jeff about table notches."

"What about them?" said Abed, taking a key out of his satchel. "More importantly, though, how many Classic Wingers did I miss?"

"None," said Britta, glancing at Abed's notch tally. "In fact you could probably erase a few existing ones; Jeff's been pretty un-quality today."

"This coming from the queen of quality, no less," said Jeff, barely looking up from his phone. "What riveting conversation were you trying to drag us into before? Oh, that's right, the mistreatment of goldfish at the pet store."

"You haven't seen their tanks, you jerk!" said Britta, jabbing her finger towards him. "The owner hasn't cleaned them for months and the fish look really depressed."

"Why don't you just buy a few then?" said Shirley.

"I did once..." Britta shrank into her seat. "My cats ate them."

Troy slowly shook his head. "That is the lamest version of Free Willy I've ever heard."

"I've got a pretty good version on DVD," said Pierce. "I think it starts when a pizza delivery guy gets called to a sorority house and..."

"... and I beg you, please do not finish that sentence," said Annie, becoming distracted when she noticed Shirley digging into the table with her car key. "Hey! What are you doing?" She heard more scratching from across the table. "Britta! Quit it."

"Sorry sweetie," said Shirley, "but I need to keep my 'Pierce is a disgusting human' tally up-to-date. It may be used as evidence in court one day."

Britta put down her metal nail file. "And that's notch seventy-two for my 'Everyone's a jag' record. I'm just waiting for you guys to moan at me to take this baby to seventy-three."

Annie threw up her hands in frustration. "Was I just talking to a brick wall before? If we don't respect our school and its property, who will?"

"You can't soapbox your way out of this one, Annie," said Jeff. "Does a 'study slurs' tally ring any bells?"

"Yes, but I don't carve things into tables to prove my point," she retorted, taking out her phone and waving it around. "I told you all where to download the 'Nifty Notches' app on your phones!"

"Nerd alert," Pierce coughed.

Annie glared at him before adding another electronic notch to her tally. "Ooh," she smiled as a fanfare sounded. "One more notch and I get a free ringtone!"

"And I'm sure Justin Bieber will appreciate the love, but let's just get back to business so we can get the hell out of here," said Jeff airily, picking some invisible lint off his shirt.

"For the last time I do not have Bieber Fever," huffed Annie.

"You were watching a YouTube video of him on Abed's laptop the other day."

"That was a clip of Hilary Swank in _Boys Don't Cry_!" She stared pointedly at Jeff's face. "I guess you're just jealous that his hair got more attention than yours ever would."

"Yeah right," scoffed Jeff, lounging back in his chair. "Like I care what that little puberty-dodger does."

"I don't know, Jeff," said Britta, eyeing him up. "I seem to remember you had some pretty Bieber-licious hair for a while last semester."

"That's right, you did," said Troy. "It's like your forehead was a highway and your fringe was roadkill."

Jeff's cheeks pulsated as he clenched his jaw. "My barber, Jean-Luc, follows the latest trends from Paris. It was a fashionable cut."

"Was the fashion to cover giant five-heads?" asked Pierce.

"You're going to have to speak up, Pierce. I can't hear you over your _bald patch_."

"Guys," warned Annie, as Troy held Pierce back from leaping over the table. "Let's just take a breather shall we?"

"Don't bother mediating now," said Jeff. "You're the one who opened up the can of hair worms in the first place... and yes, I knew how stupid that sounded as soon as I said it."

"Maybe I _should_ erase some notches," pondered Abed.

"OK, can someone tell me why it's suddenly 'throw crap at Jeff' day?" He jerked his thumb to the left. "Annie's the one who started it all with her notches crusade."

"It's not a _crusade_," said Annie, "I just think we should treat Greendale and its academia with more respect."

"Academia? Annie, I think you're confusing Greendale with an actual school. A clown college would gain more respect than this place."

Annie narrowed her eyes. "Well at least at clown college the dress code would be more fun and less hipster. How much money did you spend on that shirt to make it look like you just rolled out of bed?"

"Here's a more important question," he said smugly. "How much effort did you put into that essay for your health management class when you know the professor is nuts and grades everyone with gold star stickers?"

"It's called taking pride in your work," she hotly contested. "Something that you'll never experience. And five gold stars means you're top of the class!"

"Well geez, if you love the school so much why don't you just marry it?"

They sat there seething at one another while Britta leant across to Abed. "I'd _really_ be re-thinking the whole 'Classic Winger' concept if I were you."

"No time to dwell on that now," said Abed thoughtfully, tilting his head to the side.

"Oh Lord, he's got his Abed face on," said Shirley. "I'm sorry, but I can't afford to take part in any little movie charades this week. You and Troy still owe me for a new weave from last time." She self-consciously patted her hair. "Edward Scissorhands my _ass_," she muttered.

"Don't worry, Shirley, you and your hair can rest easy." He returned his gaze to the front of the room. "I just thought of a way for Jeff and Annie to solve their argument – comedy style."

Jeff scowled. "Here's another idea. How about Jeff and Annie solve their argument in a way that doesn't involve slipping on banana peels or getting a cream pie in the face?"

"I don't mean Three Stooges comedy," said Abed, "although that's definitely on my to-do list. I just meant that you and Annie could put your pride to the ultimate test by going against everything you hold sacred."

"Let me get this straight," said Annie, aghast. "You want me to... suck at school?" She started to fan herself. "Oh God, just thinking about it is making me nauseous."

"Not suck completely. Just stop channelling Hermione Granger for a day." Abed considered his other friend. "And Jeff could stop pretending he's on his way to a Hipster Weekly fashion shoot."

"_Hilarious_ as all this sounds," Jeff deadpanned, "I don't see how this helps solve any arguments. If anything, I think Annie and I will probably want to punch everyone by the end."

"At the risk of sounding like an after school special, I think that taking a step out of your comfort zones for a while will make you realize how dependent you've become on them." Abed offered them a rare smile. "There's more to you, Jeff, than your appearance. And Annie, you're more than just our resident study nerd."

Jeff looked at him in disbelief. "Yeah... no." He shook his head. "Not gonna happen. I already know there's more to me than my appearance – it's called my inner-awesomeness."

Amongst everyone's groans of disgust, Annie's voice broke through. "I think I'd like to try the challenge." She could see Jeff gaping at her out of the corner of her eye.

"Annie, I don't know what kind of mind kung-fu Abed is working on you right now," said Jeff in concern, "but don't listen to it."

"Maybe we _should_ listen to it, Jeff. Maybe we are stuck in our ruts." Annie eyes became downcast. "Maybe there _is_ more to me than being a study nerd," she finished in a quiet voice.

"Of course there's more to you than... You know..." He ran his hands through his hair, trying – and failing – to remain immune to her hangdog expression. "It's just a bad idea."

"Or maybe you're just being a dick," offered Pierce.

"Pierce! Don't be crass," said Annie, trying hard not to also reprimand Shirley for carving another notch into the desk. "Jeff doesn't have to do it. I can accept the challenge myself. I just thought it would be interesting to try it together."

"My apologies, Jeff," said Pierce, holding up his hands in peace. "You're not a dick... you'd have to be a man for that, and since you're not manning up for the challenge..."

"Oh for crap's sake!" Jeff growled. "Fine! I'm in."

Britta raised an eyebrow. "Did you seriously just let Pierce goad you into something? You _are_ lame today."

"I'm only doing it to prove what a stupid idea it is," he stated. "No lessons will be learnt here. This is a lesson-free zone, you hear me?"

"Whatever you say, Jeff," said Abed. "And now for the extra comedy element – the rest of us will make sure you stick to the plan. Tomorrow, Shirley and Britta will be on Jeff duty, and us guys will help out Annie."

"This is going to be so dope," grinned Troy. "I can teach you all my tricks of the trade, Annie. Like telling the teacher you have explosive diarrhoea so you can run out of class early to be first in line at the cafeteria."

Annie had a frozen smile on her face. "Cool..."

"And I'm sure Andre has a few old sweaters you can borrow, Jeff," said Shirley in a mischievous tone.

Jeff's expression matched Annie's. "Double cool."

"Cool," agreed Abed. "Cool, cool, cool."

* * *

><p>Jeff was already sitting in his seat when the rest of the study group, minus Annie, arrived in the morning. He tried to ignore their childish snickering by pretending to be immersed in a game of Fruit Ninja on his phone, but it wasn't working.<p>

"Excuse me, sir?" said Britta, grinning ear-to-ear. "Our friend Jeff usually sits there, so maybe you better leave for your track and field competition in the 80s before he arrives."

Shirley patted Jeff on the shoulder as she passed. "That patterned sweater really brings out your eyes. I should ask Andre if you can keep it."

"Are they the sweat pants you wore during your first week here?" asked Abed, looking under the table at Jeff's legs. "I thought you donated them to Chang?"

"And dude? Einstein called, he wants his hair back." Troy snorted, holding his hand up to Abed for a high-five. "Scientist burn!"

Gritting his teeth, Jeff lifted his head and glanced Pierce's way. "Well?"

Pierce gave him a once over and shrugged. "Gay."

"Original as always."

"How's the experiment been so far?" said Abed, taking out a notepad.

"Oh, you know," said Jeff, putting away his phone. "I had Vicki ask me if I was dying because, and I quote, 'You look like a person who has given up'. And Leonard complimented me on my outfit, so of course I have to go strangle myself now. But other than that, it's been ace."

"Do you feel any different?" asked Shirley.

Jeff nodded. "Homeless springs to mind. Or like a deranged gymnastics coach." He looked at Shirley and Britta with false sincerity. "Thanks again for picking out my clothes this morning. That wasn't degrading at all."

"The pleasure's all ours," smirked Britta. "Just tell me one thing. Do you actually smell like mothballs? Because you sure look like you do."

Before Jeff could retort, Annie strode into the room clutching a folder in one hand and a pen in the other. She went to take off her backpack before realizing she wasn't carrying it around.

"Hello everyone," Annie greeted them in her best breezy tone. "Sorry I'm _so_ tardy, I just felt like cruising the corridors today. Taking it easy."

Troy checked his watch. "You're like two minutes late."

"Seriously?" Annie squawked. "Every second felt like a year out there." She set down her belongings, finally catching a glimpse of Jeff. "Who invited my high school PE teacher?"

"Oh man, he _does_ look like Coach Hammertime," Troy laughed.

"Coach what now?" said Britta.

"Hammertime, like MC Hammer? It wasn't his real name but he used to make fun of all the non-athletic kids by pointing to the trophy cabinet and screaming, 'You can't touch this!'."

Annie gave an involuntary shudder. "I still can't listen to that song to this day."

"That was a nice trip down memory lane I'm going to file away for later," said Abed, "but for now let's give the group an update on your homework situation."

Opening her folder, Annie took out one piece of typed paper to show her friends. Jeff was surprised. "You haven't even filled up the whole page."

"Nope," said Annie. "Lots of nice white space looking all unfilled and lonely right there."

"We gave her some homework advice," said Pierce. "Like if you don't know enough about the subject, just throw in some interesting general knowledge about something else."

Jeff grabbed the paper and read aloud. "Hawthorne Wipes were nearly the moist towelette of choice for the 1984 Olympic Games village until a test batch killed a lab rat." He shook his head. "How the hell are you still in business, Pierce?"

"Who cares about that," said Troy. "Tell them what I helped you with, Annie."

Taking the paper back from Jeff, Annie held it up and pointed to the first two paragraphs. "See this section here?" she said, trying to remain perky. "This font is size twelve and this font is size twenty... because it pads things out."

Troy rested his hands behind his head. "I am so awesome."

"Yes, they were all really neat ideas." Annie anxiously tugged at her shirt collar. "Is anyone else super hot? I feel like I'm in a sauna."

"I think you're just having study withdrawals, sweetie," said Shirley, rubbing Annie's arm.

"Right. Cool. And is it toast you smell before you're about to have a stroke?"

"You're going to be fine, Annie," said Jeff. "Even a half-assed homework attempt from you is ten times better than what half the school churns out. I couldn't even use product in my hair today – just be thankful you don't look like you're wearing tumbleweed as a hat."

"Exactly," said Britta. "Wouldn't want to open up another can of hair worms, would we?"

"That's it, I'm going to class," said Jeff, standing up so fast he nearly knocked his chair over.

"Wait, I'll come with you," said Annie, collecting her folder. She heard a 'tsk tsk' from Abed. "I mean, I'll walk there and then just sit up the back and throw spitballs and stuff."

Jeff suppressed a smile. "Yeah, and then we can pants someone and flush their heads down the toilet like real Degrassi badasses!"

"Shut it, Hammertime."

* * *

><p>After lunch, Jeff rushed through the busy corridor, keeping a low profile as he made his way to the storage room the group sometimes used as a secret meeting place. He slunk inside and quickly pushed a heavy desk in front of the door so no one could get in. Putting down the gym bag he was carrying, he was about to strip off his sweater when he heard a voice.<p>

"Woah, wait! You've got company."

Pulling his top back down, Jeff found Annie standing in front of him holding a laptop. "What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing," she answered cagily. "What are _you_ doing in here?"

"Also nothing."

They attempted to keep their poker faces in place but knew it was a futile cause.

"I'm de-ugly-ing myself," Jeff admitted.

"I'm rescuing my grades," Annie blurted out at the same time. They smiled at one another. "So much for taking on a challenge, huh?"

"Told you it'd be a waste of time."

Annie perched on the edge of the desk Jeff had moved. "I didn't want it to be, but my brain just won't switch off. I couldn't sleep last night knowing I hadn't written that essay properly."

"I dunno. The world should probably know about the dangers of Hawthorne Wipes."

"Ugh, don't remind me. Did you know Abed even stayed over last night and made me watch a dozen movies so I wouldn't cave?"

Jeff fidgeted. "Abed slept over, huh? You don't say."

"Yeah, he made a mini blanket fort near the sofa," said Annie, not registering Jeff's change in tone. "So I had to bribe Garrett before with candy so I could borrow his laptop and re-write my essay in peace. Until you started your strip show of course."

"Oh, that," said Jeff, glancing down at his bag. "My story involves bribes, too. I'm doing some work for my old firm and I forgot I had a Skype meeting today with some clients. I didn't want them to think their consultant lived in a dumpster, so I got Chang to bring me a bag of stuff I stowed away in my car."

"What did you bribe him with?"

"A few packets of hot sauce."

Annie sighed. "So I guess this means we've failed. Game over. Please insert more coins."

"Just hold up a sec, Pac-Man." Jeff peered at his watch before yanking off his sweater, revealing his toned torso. "I don't see why the group has to find out," he said, taking a blue shirt out of his gym bag.

"I guess so..." said Annie, her eyes flickering from Jeff's chest to her computer screen. "I do only have a few paragraphs to go before I'm finished."

"And my Skype session won't take long," he said, fixing the buttons. "It's win-win."

"You know what, you're right," she smiled. "What the group doesn't know won't hurt them."

"Exactly." He put on his jacket. "How do I look? Devilishly handsome once more?"

"Almost. Here..." Stepping forward, Annie gestured for him to duck down before running her fingers through his hair to fix it up. "There, much better. Now you don't look like you've just been electrocuted."

"Thanks. I don't suppose you want to write my essay while you're there?" he grinned.

She gave him a smirk. "Even this nerd has her limits."

* * *

><p>The next day in the study room things were back to normal, much to Jeff and Annie's relief.<p>

"New outfit, Jeff?" asked Shirley.

"Yep. Bought it last night as fashion Purell for my body," said Jeff.

Troy glanced at Annie's overflowing backpack. "Why does your bag look pregnant?"

"It's all the reading I need to catch up on for the electives I'm going to check out," smiled Annie. "I'm still trying to find my niche with something. And these are my prints from Britta's photography class I went to yesterday," she added, handing them around for everyone to see.

"Aww, look how cute and blurry they turned out," Britta smiled warmly. "Good on you for sticking to the 'don't try so hard' plan, Annie."

"... Thanks!"

"So, what are your conclusions for the experiment?" said Abed, leaning forward in intrigue. "Worthwhile cause or waste of time?"

"I know I said that I wouldn't learn any lessons, but I think one thing snuck through," said Jeff. "And that's the fact that learning lessons is overrated. I happen to like caring about what I look like."

Annie appeared cheered by his words. "And I think I've come to realize that for better or worse, I'm a school nerd for life. It's a part of me, and I shouldn't feel like I have to change."

The group stared at them. "Well this got boring real quick," said Abed. "Anyone want to grab some food?"

"I could go some of those turkey-flavored waffles," said Pierce.

"The tuffles? Oh yeah, they're like having a tiny bird party in your mouth," sighed Troy.

They all stood and headed out of the room leaving Jeff and Annie by themselves.

"Sometimes I think they have the attention span of a gnat," said Jeff. "Do you feel like getting something to eat, too?"

"Maybe later," said Annie. "I think I might start on my reading. Unless of course you need this room to strip off and count your abs or something," she teased.

"Oh, we're back to ab jokes huh?" He leant forward to where his notch count was on the desk.

"Jeff! Please don't put..." But she closed her mouth in surprise when Jeff took out his phone instead and made a show of marking something on the screen.

"This 'Nifty Notches' thing _really is_ nifty," he smirked, waving his phone at her. "Only ninety-nine more and I can get a free Jonas Hannah Montana Bieber Brothers ringtone."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," she said, unable to help looking pleased. "Hey, one more thing before you go..." She handed him the photo Britta was looking at. "Is that really blurry? I was actually honestly trying yesterday because I didn't want the teacher to think I was always a bad student."

Jeff turned the photo around at different angles. "It's very arty."

"Just give it to me straight, Jeff."

"... You kind of look like you took it from inside a blender."

Annie sighed. "OK, so photography is not my niche."

Noticing how down she was, Jeff paused mid-way to the door. "Come on. Grab your Octomom bag and bring all your crap to the cafeteria. I'll help you narrow down some elective choices."

Smiling, Annie started to pack away her books. "On one condition – we stay away from the tuffles."

"Deal times infinity."

_Next chapter - Gluttony_


	6. Chapter 6 Gluttony

**06. Gluttony**

The study group sat behind their workbenches in the food tech classroom waiting for the teacher to arrive. Shirley smoothed out her frilly pink apron then fussed over Britta's tattered one she'd borrowed from the supply cupboard.

"Thanks again for coming to support me, guys," said Annie, making sure her measuring cups were neatly lined up. "I have a good feeling about this elective. I think I may have finally found my niche."

"You're going to love Food Creations," smiled Shirley, ignoring Britta's hand swatting her away. "It's always my favorite class of the week. Professor Dwyer is wonderful."

"When do we get to eat?" asked Pierce, folding his arms over the fake breasts on his apron. "I was promised there'd be free food."

"We're not here for the free food, Pierce," said Abed.

"Exactly," said Troy. "We're here so we can pretend we're on Top Chef and kick each other's chef asses." He saw Annie pouting from across the room. "Oh, and to find Annie's quiche."

"My _niche_," said Annie.

"Whatever, man."

Shirley peered over at Jeff's workstation, frowning slightly when she noticed he didn't have anything set up. "Did you bring in your recipe to create today, Jeff?"

Jeff took a piece of paper out of his pocket while using the other hand to continue his text message. "Yep. All done."

"Um... that looks like a menu for Mr Chan's Chinese Restaurant in town."

"And you would be correct. Why bother doing all the hard work when someone else can do it for you?" He heard her scoff and looked up. "Look, I don't really do the whole 'cooking' thing unless it involves protein powder or hard boiled eggs."

"You didn't _have_ to come, Jeff," said Annie.

"Trust me, I did. I think there's some unwritten rule that the seven of us have to partake in a wacky scheme once a week or Abed's head will explode." Abed nodded, directing finger guns Jeff's way with an agreeable, 'Pew'.

"Come on, that's a bit ridiculous don't you think?" said Britta, wrinkling her nose at some unidentifiable green substance stuck to her apron. "We have our normal moments."

The doors suddenly flung open and the teacher swanned into the room wearing a flowing blue and purple caftan and a lazy smile. "Hello my precious blueberries," said Professor Holly, leaping up onto the front bench and crossing his legs. "Professor Dwyer had an unfortunate mishap with the deep fryer last night, so I will be filling in for a while."

Annie raised her hand. "But you're the pottery teacher. Are you even qualified to teach a cooking class?"

"Qualifications are no match for a creative soul my little pomegranate," he said serenely. "Molding clay is just like molding dough. You start with nothing and end up with a masterpiece."

"Sounds legit," Jeff coughed.

Professor Holly twirled a fork around in his hand. "I see my favorite balladeer is in my presence once again; which reminds me. I have one rule and one rule only for this class." He suddenly stabbed the fork into the desk, startling everyone, and then lowered his voice. "If I hear so much as a peep about Top Chef, Top Chef: Masters, Top Chef: Just Desserts or any other variation on the Top Chef theme I will personally spit in your food and cast a plague of locusts on your house." The students gaped at him as a smile eased back onto his face. "Now don't just sit there you delightful pea blossoms, get to work!"

Troy gave his friends a troubled look. "Is he for real?"

"Unfortunately," said Jeff. "Well, maybe not the locust part but the spit, yes."

"Don't tempt fate, Jeff," said Shirley uneasily. "Locust plagues never end well."

"As opposed to other, more fun plagues?"

"Let's just stop talking about bugs, you're putting me off my food," said Britta, unfolding her recipe she had tucked away in her jacket.

Annie glanced over at her friend. "What are you going to make today?"

"Tofu and broccoli stir-fry." Britta remained defiant under their unimpressed stares. "It's actually really nice."

"... Can we go back to talking about locusts?" said Troy.

"Shut up. What are you making then?"

Grinning, Troy showed them his recipe that he'd typed up.

_Butt Soup Ingredients_

_Ass-paragus  
><em>_Butt-er  
><em>_Crack-ers  
><em>_Rump steak  
><em>_Butt-ernut squash  
><em>_Pirate's Booty  
><em>_Buns_

Britta frowned. "I'm sorry, and you're gagging over tofu because?"

"I don't understand how these ingredients go together, Troy," said Shirley. "That's going to end up tasting like..."

"Ass?" said Troy with a proud smile. "Then my work here is done."

Shirley pursed her lips. "You really disturb me sometimes, you know that?"

Annie began to carefully measure out flour for her cake. "What goodies are you dishing up today, Shirley?"

"Choc-chip cookies," she beamed. "The recipe's been in my family for generations and always comes with a very special ingredient."

"Please tell me it's not love," said Jeff, looking through his Chinese menu. "I'd rather see an actual human heart in my cookie than that."

"Who says you're getting a cookie, Tin Man?" said Shirley, hand on hip. "I only share my food with people who appreciate it."

"Don't worry, you can always eat my cookies, Jeff," said Pierce.

Jeff winced. "... That's not a metaphor for something creepy is it?"

"No, I'm making them too. Choc-macadamia ones." He fumbled around with a bag of choc-chips until the packet split open, scattering bits everywhere. "Used to make them with my mom – they're made with love, too," he directed Shirley's way, the competitiveness evident in his voice.

"Is that right?" said Shirley, raising an eyebrow. "Well, we'll just have to see who comes out on top then, won't we?"

"Oh, I'm always on top."

"And _there's_ the creepiness," said Jeff. He stood up and walked past Abed reading a recipe for Scooby Snacks ("I'm hoping they encourage us to solve more mysteries"), over to Annie's bench. He chuckled at how meticulously she'd set everything out.

"Don't," she said with the faintest hint of a smile.

"What? I didn't do anything."

She looked up from her mixing bowl. "I know you, Jeff. You're about one second away from tipping over a bowl or putting salt in the sugar just to annoy me."

"Alright, you got me," he smirked. "Just be thankful Troy and Abed haven't discovered your red food coloring yet for some weird vampire idea."

"Vampire what now?" said Troy from across the room.

"Nothing, go back to your ass soup."

Annie kept stirring. "Are you really not going to make anything?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll chuck together a fruit salad or something."

"That's not exactly cooking... or challenging."

Jeff scoffed at her. "Uh, get back to me when you've beaten my high score on Fruit Ninja. Then we'll talk about challenging." He picked up her recipe she'd printed out and encased in a plastic pocket. "Red velvet, huh? I love this stuff."

"You do?" said Annie, nonchalantly. "What are the odds, hey?"

"It's amazing. But – at the risk of sounding like a Cosmo article – it goes straight to my thighs." He paused. "Yeah, that didn't sound any better even with the Cosmo disclaimer."

"I wouldn't know, I only read National Review these days." She shared a knowing smile with him before they were distracted by a commotion near Pierce's bench, noticing there was even more food spilt on the floor.

"Pierce!" Britta growled in annoyance. "For the last time, get your nuts away from me!"

"Sadly not the first time Pierce has had that screamed at him," said Jeff. "I better go and mediate before someone gets killed. And by someone I mean Pierce."

Annie watched while Jeff stood in the middle of the bickering duo, working his Winger magic until they calmed down. He shared a joke with Britta, playfully threatening to throw out her tofu. Britta punched him on the arm but looked as though she was trying to fight off a smirk. Frowning, Annie took a big scoop of her cake mixture and shoved it in her mouth.

At the end of the class the study group crowded around Shirley's workbench to put her and Pierce's cookies to the ultimate taste test.

"I hope you won't be too disappointed with the result, Pierce," Shirley said in her deceptively sweet tone. "I'm sure your food is nice but we all know who the real cookie champion is."

"Cookie Monster," said Troy matter-of-factly.

"I don't know," mused Abed. "They're only a sometimes food for him nowadays."

"Oh yeah... stupid dumbass Muppet."

"Why don't we just let the people decide?" said Pierce, gesturing at Shirley's tray. "Ladies first."

Annie hung back while everyone else grabbed a cookie. "I'm going to have to sit this one out. I'm allergic to that cooking spray Pierce used, so it would be unfair to only try Shirley's."

"That is a really random allergy," said Jeff, contemplating which section of the cookie had the least chocolate in it. "What did you do? Lather yourself up with it one day to sunbake and break out in hives?"

"Or maybe they sell it at Dildopolis as a lubricant," Britta teased. "You never did tell us everything you got up to last summer vacation, Annie."

Jeff turned to stare at Annie while she floundered around for a response. "I would never... they don't even sell that... not that I know their whole catalogue! I mean, why would you coat yourself with cooking spray anyway? Wouldn't that get messy during... ugh, just move on, everyone!"

Troy glanced from Annie's flushed face to the cookie in his hand, taking a huge bite. "I'm getting the weirdest boner right now," he mumbled, spitting crumbs everywhere.

"Putting all debauchery aside," Shirley interrupted, "what do you think of my treats?"

"Your treats are delectable," smiled Pierce. "... And your cookies aren't bad either." He stopped chuckling under Shirley's stern glare. "What? It was a compliment."

"The cookies are great, Shirley," said Britta. "Your title as dessert God still stands."

"Thank you, Britta," beamed Shirley, putting a few into a ziplock bag. "Here, you can take some home with you. And Jeff, what did you think?"

He nodded at her. "Very tasty."

"You only had one bite."

"Don't worry, Shirley. He's just worried he won't fit into his dress before prom," said Annie with an innocent smile.

"It's true," said Jeff, leaning back on the bench. "Chad said he totally wouldn't take me if I got cankles and a muffin top."

Pierce picked up his tray and handed it around. "I hope you all enjoy. Mom used to be really proud of this recipe, so I know it would mean a lot to her. And to me. On account of her being vaporised and all."

"Mmm," said Jeff, taking a small bite. "The guilt-trip really brings out the extra flavor."

Britta chewed thoughtfully. "Actually, these aren't bad, Pierce... Are you sure you baked them yourself today?" she said, suddenly becoming suspicious. "Maybe you got a maid to sneak them in from home when we weren't looking."

"No, I made them from scratch right here, scout's honor," he said, crossing his heart.

Abed inspected the food. "Hidden character depth. Almost as delicious as these cookies."

"These are so awesome!" said Troy, shoving the rest in his mouth before snatching up another one. "You need to start making these at home again."

"I don't know, it's kind of different without mom here," Pierce admitted.

"I can dress up like your mom if it'd make you feel better?" offered Troy. "Put on a wig, roll around in mothballs, whatever. These cookies are dope, man."

Pierce happily bumped fists with Troy before turning towards Shirley, who was fiddling with her apron strings. "You don't want to try one?"

"Oh, no thank you," she said with a forced smile. "I wouldn't want to ruin my appetite for dinner."

"Here," he said, offering her a handful. "Take some home with you for later. I'm sure your husband and kids will eat them if you don't."

Shirley hesitated before taking the cookies from Pierce. "Thank you... that's very nice." She spun around to put them on her bench before noticing Jeff licking crumbs off his fingers and no cookie in sight. "I thought you were on calorie control," she said, narrowing her eyes. "Wouldn't want you to get a _fat ass_ or anything."

"I'm on my way to the gym as we speak," said Jeff.

"Do you want to try some of my red velvet cake before you go?" said Annie, grabbing a knife to cut it.

"I'd better not," he said, patting his stomach. "I've already had my sugar quota for the week in the past five minutes. But it looks great, you did a nice job."

"Oh... thanks."

Jeff picked up his folder. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, we can gossip about Chad," he said, swapping a smile with her before pausing at Britta's bench. "Do you still need a lift to the pet store?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'm all out of Meow-Bites." She undid her apron and tossed it on her chair. "You wouldn't believe how much cat food costs these days."

"And you wouldn't believe how riveting I'm finding this conversation."

Annie cut herself a big slice of cake while they argued their way out the door.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Abed sat engrossed in front of his laptop while the rest of the group took part in a heated discussion.<p>

"Elvis," said Pierce. "Definitely Elvis."

"No way," said Jeff. "Elton John for sure."

"Britney Spears," said Britta.

Shirley tilted her head thoughtfully. "Beyoncé."

"Same," said Troy.

"You're all wrong," said Annie. "The Dean is going to dress up as Cher for the school's karaoke night next week, hands down."

"Are we going to that by the way?" asked Shirley. "Because I may or may not have been practicing a duet with myself for the occasion."

"Me and Abed are probably going," said Troy. "We're gonna sing Disney songs so chicks think we're even more adorable than we already are." He turned to his friend. "I get to be Aladdin in 'A Whole New World' this time, OK? … Abed?"

"Go ahead, make my day." Abed soon peered up from his computer, realizing Troy was staring at him. "There's no place like home?"

"Huh?"

"Sorry. I thought throwing in movie quotes would make it look like I was listening."

"Every time you get on that thing you keep ignoring me. You're like Pierce with his Laserdiscs." Troy craned his neck to get a better view. "What are you doing?"

"Putting the finishing touches on my latest series of the Community College Chronicles," he said, hearing a gasp from Shirley.

"You better not be cursing my life with things I don't need, boy," said Shirley, drawing her sweater closer to herself. "I've already had plenty of surprises the past couple of years, thank you very much."

"Don't worry, Shirley, you don't feature much in this series."

Shirley narrowed her eyes. "And why's that? Am I not good enough material for your little prophecy play?"

"But you just said…"

"I'll have you know I lead a very interesting life outside these walls!"

Abed looked at her, unblinking. "… I'll see if I can make a few edits."

"Not that I care," said Jeff, "but who _does_ feature in this series?"

"You'll find out soon enough," said Abed.

"Not even a little hint?" asked Annie.

"I don't want to give away any spoilers."

"He's talking in his mumbo jumbo language again," said Pierce, standing up. "That's my cue to leave."

Jeff, Britta, Shirley and Troy started to pack away their things too. "Are you heading to Professor Heckler's office to see if we can con him into an extension for our assignment?" Britta asked Jeff.

"Yep. So far I've only got a heading and a paragraph that says 'insert text here', and I don't think that's going to cut it."

Annie frowned. "Didn't we get that assignment a month ago?"

"I know! Talk about rushing us," said Britta.

"Mine's already done," said Troy, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. "Size 20 font all the way, baby. Bigger is always better," he smirked.

Pierce grinned. "That's what she said."

Annie wearily shook her head, but was surprised when no one responded to him. She glanced at Jeff. "That's unlike you to let that slide."

"Eh, what are you going to do?" Jeff shrugged. "At least he's stopped adding 'zip, zap, zooey' to the end of every sentence. I'll see you at lunch, OK?"

She watched Jeff and Britta walk outside. Troy, Shirley and Pierce weren't far behind them. Annie was silently gathering up her pens when a candy bar slid her way across the table. She looked up to where Abed was still tapping away at the keyboard.

"Thought you might need it," he said.

Annie smiled but it quickly turned into a grimace. "Ew, this isn't creepy menstrual cycle candy is it? Because I thought you quit doing that – and you're not even on schedule!"

"No, just regular candy. You seemed as though you needed cheering up."

"Oh… thanks."

"Anytime."

Annie unwrapped the bar and took a big bite, putting the last of her books in her bag. "Abed?"

"Mmm?"

"I know you said no spoilers but… have you got any pre-series hints for me?" She tried to act casual. "Y'know, any surprises I should steel myself for?"

Pausing mid-edit, Abed gave her his full attention. "Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes there are surprises."

"Good or bad?"

"You'll see."

Unimpressed, she took another bite of chocolate. "_Great_."

* * *

><p>"Amazing! I love it! I just want to kiss you on the mouth and slip in a little tongue!"<p>

Garrett froze like a deer in headlights as Professor Holly took another spoonful of his pasta sauce. "Um… thank you?"

"Weird little caftan man better be keeping his tongue to himself around me," said Shirley, measuring out a teaspoon of vanilla essence. "I really hoped Professor Dwyer would have been back after a few days."

"He's not the only one missing," said Annie, eyeing off the nearby empty workbenches. "Jeff, Britta…"

"Troy and Pierce," added Abed.

"Yeah, them too." Annie sampled her soup mixture, nearly spitting it out. "Darn it!"

"You put in sugar instead of salt," said Abed, still trying to craft the perfect Scooby Snack.

Annie took a swig of her soda to wash away the taste. "If you saw me do it why didn't you say something?"

"We've got to learn from our mistakes."

"…Why are you saying that to me in your wise sensei tone?"

"Am I?"

"Abed! Quit it. I don't have time for your oracle routine today. This soup isn't going to make itself."

"Sweetie, that's about the third time you've tried to make it," said Shirley. "Maybe you should aim for another recipe? You could always try Britta's tofu and broccoli concoction," she teased.

Annie emphatically shook her head. "I don't want Britta's leftovers, I want my own food. I mean, sure, maybe our recipes share similar ingredients, but it doesn't mean it's going to have the same outcome."

"… Um, OK?"

Abed leant across to his friend. "Don't worry, Shirley. Annie's just using food metaphors to access her own personal frustrations."

"Oh, gotcha." Shirley furrowed her eyebrows. "No I don't. What?"

"I'm not accessing any personal frustrations," said Annie. "Stop trying to find hidden meanings when there aren't any, Abed."

"Whatever you say, boss."

Professor Holly glided over to them, using his spoon to dive into Annie's soup before she could deter him. "Soup! The nectar of the Gods! This is…" he started to choke before spluttering into the sink. "Ugh, disgusting! Back to the drawing board, you sad little grape!" He returned to the other side of the room. "Garrett – give me some more love!"

"He is just a walking lawsuit waiting to happen," Shirley muttered.

* * *

><p>The group had a study session that same day, but Annie couldn't help noticing Jeff was more distracted than usual. "Are you alright?" she asked, grabbing a quiet moment with him while the others were arguing over who they'd team up with in an apocalyptic battle.<p>

"Yeah. Why?"

She pointed at his hands. "Well, you've been checking your phone pretty fanatically the past hour – even for you. Plus you haven't said much."

"I'm just waiting on an important text," he said, shoving his phone into his pocket. "And as for conversation, can you blame me?" They heard Troy's voice filter through, almost immediately proving Jeff's point.

"All I'm saying is I wouldn't take you girls with me because when you run there's a certain… bounciness involved," he said, gesturing at his chest. "And I can't afford to be distracted when I'm tryin' to fight for my life!"

"Whatever," scoffed Britta. "I wouldn't want you on my side anyway. Not when I can put dibs on Shirley."

"Oh, that's nice!" smiled Shirley. "Is it because we kicked some behind together during the last paintball war?"

"That and the fact you're pretty tight with the dude upstairs. I may not be a fan of the Jesus thing, but I'll take anything I can get during an Armageddon."

"You can't just piggyback me into the great beyond!" Shirley folded her arms. "I don't think I want to take part in this conversation anymore."

Britta resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Ugh. Fine. I'll be on Jeff's team. His douchery should repel any evil forces coming our way."

"As always, your companionship is a treat," drawled Jeff.

"What about you, Annie?" said Troy. "Sorry you're jiggly and stuff. Your smartness would have been pretty cool on Team Troy."

Annie could feel Jeff's eyes on her but she wouldn't look his way. "I think I'll stick with Abed. He's probably seen more apocalypse films than anyone on the planet so I'd feel pretty safe on his team."

"I've been prepared since I was five," said Abed. "If Ben Affleck can make it through an Armageddon, so can I."

"Team Abed, huh?" said Jeff in an airy tone. "I agree, he does have the know-how, but does he have the guns?"

Abed considered this. "I'm pretty sure I could break into an army base if the situation called for it."

"Not those kind of guns, _these_ guns." Jeff flexed his biceps with a lazy grin.

"See," said Britta. "Douchey!"

Annie glanced between the two of them before leaning back in her seat. "Who knows? Maybe I'll just stick with Team Annie and make my own way through the chaos."

"There's always room on Team Pierce," a voice piped up from the end of the table. "We have big screen TVs."

"You might want to re-think your tagline," said Abed.

A faint beep sounded from Jeff's pocket and he scrambled to check his messages. After giving it a quick read, Jeff grabbed his jacket. "Sorry guys got to go. Heckler needs me in his office so he can sign that extension form."

"Oh, me too," said Britta, picking up her bag.

Annie felt an uneasiness wash over her. "Why couldn't Professor Heckler just sign the forms when you asked him about it the other day?"

Britta slowly edged out of the room. "He… didn't have the papers with him then."

"Yeah, you know crazy Heckler," said Jeff. "Always scatterbrained."

"The man who alphabetizes his lesson plans and has more color-coded notes than me… is a _scatterbrain_?" Annie said slowly.

Britta forced out a laugh. "Geez, Annie, what is this? Jeopardy?"

"I think you mean Twenty Questions," said Abed from across the room.

"Twenty Questions, Jeopardy, whatever, we have to go," said Jeff, striding out of the study room with Britta running to catch up.

Annie played with a ripped corner of her book. "I'll take 'Suspicious Minds' for six hundred, Alex," she murmured to herself.

"Well if those two aren't studying anymore then I'm calling early lunch," said Troy. "Those tuffles aren't going to eat themselves."

"Are you OK, Annie?" said Shirley, patting her lightly on the shoulder. "I'll make sure Troy doesn't eat all the turkey waffles this time."

"No, I'm fine," she said, forcing a smile. "I might just take a walk to the bookshop. I'll meet you guys in the cafeteria."

"We have tinned spam!" Pierce called out.

"Is he having a dementia attack?" said Troy, panicked.

"It's my new Team Pierce tagline you knucklehead."

Abed made a game show buzzer sound. "What is the worst thing to hear during an apocalypse?"

"We're all out of condoms!"

"Pierce!" Shirley scolded.

Annie quietly slipped away when no one was watching.

* * *

><p>After raiding the vending machine for the last Mars Bar, Annie set off towards the bookshop with a plan to buy more post-it notes. Stationery always made her feel better. But when she headed past the old storage room, a couple of voices made her stop in her tracks.<p>

"Oh my God, so good."

"More. Give me more."

Her face paled when she registered that the people inside the room were Jeff and Britta. And from their moans of pleasure, they definitely weren't filling out forms. Annie was about to make a run for it, when a third voice joined in.

"Wait, I need to undo my pants."

"Troy?" Annie whispered out loud. With a mixture of curiosity and repulsion, she took a deep breath and burst through the door with her hand covering her eyes. "What the hell is going on?"

"Annie!" Britta yelped.

"What are you doing?" Jeff stammered. "You shouldn't be here."

"No, don't stop!" said Troy. "Annie can just join in."

"_What_? If you think this is going to turn into some weird, kinky True Blood kind of thing then…" she let her hand drop from her eyes, immediately confused by the sight in front of her. "Hang on…"

Jeff, Britta and Troy were crowded around a desk that was piled high with cookies, and almost as many crumbs from the ones they'd already polished off. Jeff guiltily wiped chocolate from his face while Britta brushed remnants off her shirt. Troy, meanwhile, unzipped his pants further to ease the pressure on his gut.

"You want one?" said Troy through a mouthful of food.

"I don't understand what's happening," said Annie.

Jeff sank onto the desk, hanging his head. "You're witnessing my descent into obesity."

"I feel completely and utterly gross right now," Britta groaned.

"Oh my God, I could eat, like, a zillion of these things," said Troy, scooping up another handful.

Annie inched forward to take a better look at the stash. "They look like the cookies Pierce made the other day."

"They are," said Jeff. "Well, not the exact same batch. He made more."

"And you guys are hiding in an old storage room gorging on them because…?"

"We're food fugitives," Troy explained. "Or at least that's what these guys told me so we didn't have to share."

"It's like I'm hooked on cigarettes again," said Britta, tracing her finger around the top of a cookie. "I know they're bad for me, but I just keep going back for more."

"I'm still lost," said Annie. "Are you trying to tell me you've been acting weird all week because you've been sneaking off to eat cookies?"

Jeff turned away from her in shame. "We didn't want anyone to find out. It's mortifying."

"Well, I mean it's weird, but there _are_ worse things to…"

"No, you don't get it! I went from 'rock solid' to 'firm' on my Ab-Tastic machine, Annie!" He clenched his fists. "Do you know what this means?"

Annie raised her eyebrows. "You need to stop buying stuff off infomercials?"

"It means that I have no self-control and may as well drip-feed myself through a vat of lard for every meal."

"Ooh, I wonder what cookies and lard would taste like?" murmured Troy.

"How did you even get Pierce to make all these for you anyway?" said Annie.

"He got his maid to make daily deliveries if we promised not to pick on him all the time," said Britta sheepishly. "I don't even like cookies all that much, but when Pierce made these the first time it was like I'd come home."

Troy licked chocolate off the side of his hand. "Jeff and Britta even doubled back to the food tech class and went through the garbage to find the ones Shirley threw out…" He shrank under Jeff's glare. "… Is what a crazy person would say! Because that would be pathetic and sad and I'm gonna shut up now so Jeff doesn't punch me."

"If my head wasn't spinning from all the sugar I've just eaten, you'd be facing the wrath of my Forest Whitaker eye right now," warned Jeff.

"Sup?" Troy challenged, puffing out his chest.

Jeff glowered at him. "Sup!"

"Sup?"

"Suuuuup!"

"And now, make out!" Britta crowed gleefully.

Annie carefully walked over to the desk and scooped the remaining cookies into a container. "I think we should go and find the others. And maybe get you guys something to combat the sugar high before things get even more out of control."

"By something do you mean cookies?" said Troy.

"I mean get your butt out the door, mister. I need to have a word with Pierce."

* * *

><p>The seven of them sat around a table in the cafeteria while Jeff and Britta nursed bottles of water for their upset stomachs. Troy polished off the Mars Bar Annie had given him as a compromise when he tried to use his ninja training to steal back the container.<p>

"Pierce, I think it's clear that you need to stop supplying these three with cookies," said Annie. "I know you still might be feeling insecure about what happened last semester, but you belong in this group just as much as the rest of us. You don't have to bribe people with food to make them like you more."

"I wasn't bribing them," said Pierce. "I was just making a suggestion in return for goods and services."

"That sounds like a bribe to me," said Abed.

Pierce shrugged. "It's not my fault I'm an awesome chef."

"Using your skills for evil shouldn't be your main reason for baking," said Shirley with a frown. "It has to come from a place of love, like my recipes do."

"I do use love!"

"Guys, for the last time, love is not an actual ingredient," Jeff sighed. "You cannot buy it with money – The Beatles even wrote a song about it!"

"Yes you can," said Pierce.

"Right. And where do you do your shopping, St Valentine?"

"At my Buddhist temple."

The table fell silent as everyone looked around at each other in concern.

"… What do you mean, Pierce?" said Annie.

"There's all sorts of things to buy there: vapor chambers, handbooks on enticing new members – and bottles of love." He searched through his satchel until he found a half-empty red bottle with dark liquid inside.

"Let me see that," said Jeff, taking the vial off him. His face began to cloud over as soon as he read the label.

"What is it?" asked Annie, warily.

"Oh, the cookies were made with love alright," he seethed. "Or should I say 'L.O.V.E.' - Lotus Overlord Vitamin Elixir."

"What the hell kind of crap have you been feeding us, Pierce?" cried Britta.

Pierce snatched the bottle back from Jeff. "Relax, it's OK. There's only some herbal stuff in there I think. And I only use a few drops for each batch. Mom used to have it every day in her cup of coffee!"

"And now she lives in a _lava lamp_," said Troy, his breathing becoming ragged. "I don't want to end up in one of those, I'm not cut out to be a genie!"

"I can't believe you didn't let people know what was in the cookies, Pierce," said Annie.

"I did!" said Pierce. "I specifically said, 'these are made with love too'."

"Yeah, we assumed you meant the lame kind of sappy love Shirley goes on about, not cracked out alien overload juice!" Jeff exploded. "No offence, Shirley."

"A lot taken," she muttered.

"There's obviously something in there that promotes addiction, Pierce," said Annie in concern. "Herbal or not, do you know how dangerous that can be?"

Pierce had the grace to look slightly ashamed while Troy considered Abed sitting next to him. "Hey, how come you didn't go on a cookie binge like we did? You ate them too that first time."

"Nothing really affects me these days," said Abed. "I was prescribed more than enough medications and supplements when I was younger because my mom and dad didn't understand my behavior, so I kind of became immune."

"I need to not be here right now," said Jeff, suddenly standing up. "Pierce, if I ever see that crap again I will personally put you in your own vapor chamber."

Pierce held up his hands in peace. "I honestly apologize to you, Brittles and Troy. Consider it gone – zip, zap…"

"And stop talking like a fight scene in a Batman comic! It's not clever!"

Annie felt a wave of sympathy for Jeff as he stormed out of the cafeteria.

"… Does this mean I won the bake-off the other day on account of Pierce cheating?"

"Too soon, Shirley," said Annie.

* * *

><p>Late-night infomercials cast a soft, flickering glow into Annie's apartment as she poured over a Greendale course guide. With Food Creations turning into another bust, she was starting to think the whole 'find a niche' thing was becoming overrated. She was about to give up and go to bed when she heard a knock at the door. Her body tensing, Annie crept over to the peephole, half expecting the creepy red-haired guy from down the hall to be on the other side inviting her to "a party in my pants" again. But she was in for an even bigger surprise when she realized who her visitor was.<p>

"Jeff?" she said, opening the door. "What are you doing here?"

He jerked his thumb towards the stairwell. "Should I be intrigued or alarmed that there's a chalk outline on the carpet back there?"

"A little bit of both – that's how I get through walking past it every day anyway." She cocked her head to the side. "You still haven't answered my question, though."

"Oh, yeah, right. Um… can I come in?"

With a quick, embarrassed glance down at her old striped pyjama pants and oversized 'All 5 Dances' t-shirt, Annie nodded and moved aside to let him past. Jeff perched on the edge of her sofa, looking like a giant amongst all her tiny decorative cushions.

"Do you want a drink or something?" asked Annie. "There's tap water, but you have to let it settle in the glass for ten minutes before you drink it. Or I have coffee, but it's that tinned stuff and you always say that tastes like a coffee bean burial ground."

"I'm fine, thanks. Good choices, though. Very tough to pass up."

She smirked at him and sat on the other side of the sofa. "So… what brings you to risk life and limb on this side of town?"

"Something kind of pathetic," he admitted. "As in I feel really pathetic even asking you about it because what you've been through is about a million times worse." She gave him a curious look so he continued. "It's about the whole cookie thing and what you said about addiction."

"Oh," she said, realization dawning. "Jeff that's not pathetic. An addiction is an addiction."

"Yeah but yours was an actual serious thing. Mine was just, 'gee, how fat can I make myself today?'"

"Through no fault of your own," she pointed out. "I had another word with Pierce after you left and let him know how disappointed I was in him. Even if he didn't mean it intentionally."

Jeff leant back into the cushions. "The sad part is I was actually happy that I had something to blame it on. I'd rather ingest a crazy cocktail of… God knows what, than admit that I had no willpower."

"You do though, Jeff. You take care of yourself more than anyone I know. Sometimes to vain extents," she added with a soft smile. "But that's just part of your charm."

"Believe me, Annie. Underneath all these good looks and hair gel there's a tubby little kid just waiting to burst out and eat the world's supply of ice-cream." He scrubbed his hands over his face and sighed. "Maybe I should just let him roam free. It'd be a lot easier."

"Easier isn't always better, believe me." She leant closer and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I'm always here to talk if you need me, too."

"I know. Thanks," he smiled, before chuckling softly to himself.

"What?"

"I just remembered what you said when you found us in that storage room today. Two's company, three's an orgy, huh?"

"Jeff!" She turned her comforting shoulder pat into a punch. "We were having a nice moment here. And how was I supposed to know there was nothing untoward going on? It certainly _sounded_ suspicious."

"I like Troy, but that doesn't mean I want to see him naked. Or to find out about the extent of his fixation with 'butt stuff'."

Annie fiddled with the lace on one of the cushions. "Guess you don't have to worry about that with Britta," she said offhandedly.

"No, she doesn't really have the butt obsession."

"You know what I mean."

"I do, and that's why I was avoiding it."

"We're pretty good at doing that," sighed Annie, glancing away from him. "Maybe Abed was right, maybe I do need to learn from my mistakes."

"I must have missed that memo," Jeff quipped. "Is Team Abed sending out newsletters now?"

"Team Abed?"

"Never mind. Just forget it."

"Fine, let's just avoid that too."

"Fine."

They sat staring at one another in annoyance before suddenly lurching forward in a frenzied kiss. Jeff ran one hand through Annie's hair while the other trailed up and down her back. Annie had both hands clutching the collar of his shirt, yanking him forward to deepen the kiss. She shivered when she felt his fingers graze an exposed section of skin on her back where her t-shirt had ridden up. They were soon rattled from their lusty haze, though, when there was a loud commotion outside.

"Gunshot or car backfiring?" said Jeff, keeping one hand on Annie's waist.

"With this neighborhood, I'm going to go with gunshot," she said, catching her breath.

He shook his head. "How do you live here? I like to think I'm macho enough but I'm pretty sure one week here would turn me into a recluse."

"You have to learnt to adapt. That whole cooking spray thing? I accidentally thought it was my can of mace and aimed it at the perv down the hall one night. Except you know me and cans of mace…"

Jeff stroked the side of her stomach. "You worry me, you know that?"

"I… I think we better stop." Annie reluctantly moved away from Jeff's touch and back to her side of the sofa.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you said something right. That's the problem."

He scrunched up his forehead in confusion. "I'm sorry…?"

"It's just, I can't handle this kind of closeness when I don't know what it means. We keep doing this. One minute we're normal, and the next we have these moments where all the lines are blurred and it just makes things really confusing." Annie could see that Jeff was fidgeting and sighed. "And I know you're battling with your fight or flight response right now, but I just needed to say it, OK?"

"Annie…"

"It's fine. Just go home and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Would you just let me finish?" He glared at her in frustration while she sat back and folded her arms defensively. "It's not fight or flight… it's a weird little place in the middle where you're one of my closest friends, and I don't want to do my usual jackass thing and ruin something good."

"Easier isn't always better," she murmured.

"I know."

They both found themselves edgily leaning in towards one another before Annie quickly sprang back.

"OK, I think you need to go before we wind up in an endless loop of angst."

Jeff nodded and stood up, but couldn't help turning back to look at her. "What happens now?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Right. Well… goodnight, Annie."

"Goodnight, Jeff."

Annie curled up on the sofa contemplating what just unfolded while Jeff paused outside in the hallway, feeling uneasy about the note they'd left things on… and also because some red-haired guy was lying in the chalk outline getting his friend to take 'crime scene' photos.

"Seriously, guys?" Jeff frowned.

* * *

><p>Abed sat at his computer desk, rendering the last few frames of his Community College Chronicles opening titles. Out of nowhere, he suddenly sat up straight, tilting his head to the side as though his Spider senses were tingling.<p>

"The new drama has begun," he said in a hushed tone. "It's time to send this show viral."

_Final chapter - Envy_


	7. Chapter 7 Envy

**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone that has read this story, left reviews, etc. I hope you enjoy the final instalment! **

* * *

><p><strong>07. Envy<strong>

Annie hugged her books to her chest, side-stepping yet another person in the corridor who was too engrossed in their phone to watch where they were going. The handful of people who weren't attached to their cells kept giving her curious glances as she passed, unnerving her. Getting out her compact, Annie loitered next to the trophy cabinet and self-consciously checked for food in her teeth.

"Is it just me or has Monday morning brought out the crazy more than usual at Greendale?"

Startled, Annie snapped the mirror shut and whirled around to face Jeff. "Did you just apparate here or something?"

"Yes, Hermione. And then I'm going to take the Floo Network home."

"The sarcasm really doesn't work when you're nerding me back."

He smirked at her as they headed towards the study room. "Seriously though," he said, "ninety-five per cent of the student body are glued to their laptops or phones today."

"I'm surprised you noticed considering you're usually married to your cell too."

"Yeah… I kind of took a small break from the outside world the past few days."

Annie glanced up at him. "Is that why you didn't show up for class on Friday?" she said lightly. "I know we left things on weird terms after we kissed but…"

He forced out a chuckle. "What? Weird? No, not at all. I just had some work to do for my old law firm." Jeff let the smile slide off his face when he realized Annie wasn't buying it. "OK, and because things were kind of weird after we kissed. I thought a few days of space would bring some clarity but all it brought was boredom and an unhealthy addiction to the Sex And The City marathon on cable."

"Same," Annie sighed. "The clarity seeking thing I mean, not the TV thing."

"So did you have any luck?"

"Nope."

"Are we still in Awkward Town, population: Annie and Jeff?"

"… We don't have to be."

Jeff paused near the reception desk in the library. "What are you proposing, counsel?"

"Let's just try and go about our week as per normal and maybe the answer will present itself to us."

He gave her a curious look. "You're willing to leave this up to a Magic Eight Ball way of thinking? That doesn't sound very Annie."

She shrugged. "Maybe I just need to try something new. So… does my co-counsel agree we've reached a verdict? More normalcy, less awkwardness?"

"Agreed." He held out his hand for her to shake. "All this lawyer-speak, Miranda would be proud… And me. I would be proud. _Am_ proud." He grimaced. "Pretend I went with that first."

Annie side-eyed him as they stepped into the study room. "Wow you weren't kidding about that SATC marathon were you?"

"I think I might have been brainwashed into a cult." They came to an abrupt halt in the doorway when they realized the rest of the group were staring at them with harried expressions. "Or maybe everyone else has joined one," Jeff murmured.

"Heyyyyy guys," Annie said, carefully approaching the table. "What's wrong? Did the Dean wear his Baywatch swimsuit again?"

"I wish," said Troy, waiting for them to sit down. "I don't want to alarm you guys, but things just got real awkward up in here. Like Pierce drunk on whiskey and hitting on plants he thought were women kinds of awkward."

"Hey!" said Pierce. "Ix-nay on the things-that-happened-in-the-mansion-and-need-to-stay-quiet-ay."

"Awkward?" said Jeff, sharing a quick look with Annie. "No, I don't think so. Nothing awkward here except Pierce's tenuous grasp of Pig Latin."

Pierce scrunched up his nose. "Pig what now?"

"Didn't you two get any text messages on the weekend?" asked Britta. "It's all over the internet like ear mites in a cat." They stared at her. "It's a serious thing, OK," she huffed.

"I haven't been checking my phone," said Annie.

"Me either," said Jeff.

Shirley made a soft gasping sound. "Oh sweet Lord, he's the sick one. Oh my poor Jeffrey."

"What are you talking about? I'm not sick."

"But you _always_ check your phone. Something must have happened."

Jeff fidgeted in his seat. "… I just… Look, let's not worry about that. I'm more concerned with the fact that everyone has gone insane. What the hell happened on the internet?"

"Ay-bed happened," said Pierce, jerking his thumb to the left where Abed sat quietly with his laptop.

"Abed?" said Annie. "What's going on?"

"First of all, let me just start by saying that I value everyone's friendship," said Abed.

"I don't like where this is heading," Jeff muttered.

"And that this was a labor of love – and seventy per cent of my Media Studies mark." He spun his laptop around for Jeff and Annie to see and hit play. The Community College Chronicles logo appeared as Abed's voiceover came out of the speakers. "_If __you __missed __our __double __episode __season __opener, __here __are __the __highlights_."

Fake Jeff and Fake Annie glared at each other from across the study room table. "_I __see __you __were __getting __pretty __cozy __with __that __guy __in __your __Poli __Sci __class_," said Fake Jeff. "_Uniting __your __nations __were __you_?"

Fake Annie rolled her eyes. "_And __I __see __you __were __getting __pretty __friendly __with __that __girl __allergic __to __bras __in __your __gym __class. __Double __Dutch __on __the __jump __rope __was __it_?"

Jeff and Annie swapped uneasy looks as Fake Troy and Fake Britta appeared on screen. "_Why __do __you __always __have __to __be __the __human __equivalent __of __underwear __up __someone__'__s __butt_?" cried Fake Troy.

"_Well __speaking __of __butts, __why __do __you __always __have __to __be __an __ass_?" said Fake Britta. "_Maybe __there__'__s __bigger __stuff __going __on __in __the __world __you __jag_!"

The clip cut to the group walking out of the study room, leaving the Fake Dean behind to pick up a forgotten note. "_Make __hospital __appointment_?" he murmured, glancing around in worry before settling his gaze on Jeff's chair. "_I __wonder __if __my __nurse__'__s __uniform __is __still __at __the __dry __cleaner__'__s__…_"

Fake Pierce piled his tray up high with tuffles in the cafeteria. "_You __snooze __you __lose_," he grinned at the agitated people behind him.

Fake Shirley dashed outside, clutching her purse. "_Helicopters!_"

The screen faded to black as Abed waited for someone to speak. Jeff blinked a few times before turning to Shirley. "Helicopters?"

She pursed her lips. "Your guess is as good as mine. That was literally my whole storyline."

"Disclaimer," said Abed. "I had to make some last-minute edits when you said you wanted more screen time."

"I didn't mean for you to just throw in any old random thing," said Shirley. "It's the damn werewolf all over again."

"Or _is_ it?" said Abed.

"How come I don't get the fun stuff?" complained Troy. "Last season Britta made me cry, this season I'm fighting with her about butts… OK, that part _was_ pretty cool. But still…" He suddenly grinned. "Heh. _But_."

"Let's just re-group a little here," said Jeff, holding up a hand to quieten them. "We've been through Abed's magical mystery tour before and survived, why is everyone acting like it's the end of the world?"

"Because this time a spark has been lit," said Abed in a revered tone. "The show's become a cult sensation on YouTube – people are going nuts over it. Tom Cruise on a couch kind of nuts. If I could access an emotional well and squeeze out a proud tear I would." He opened the Internet and typed in a URL. "Someone even made a Community College Chronicles Confessions Tumblr."

"Is there whiskey in the tumbler?" asked Pierce. "I'm going to need it to decipher this conversation."

Troy leant across to read one of the confessions. "I hope the Dean finds his nurse's outfit and gives Jeff a check-up." He started to heave. "Oh man, I just threw up in my mouth. And then my brain cried and threw up as well."

"I ship Shirley/helicopters?" said Britta, reading over Abed's shoulder.

"Oh, that's nice…" Shirley glanced around for clarification. "I'm assuming?"

"Not unless you're having romantic thoughts about rotor blades," said Annie. "Ship means you like the relationship. Like, 'I ship Carrie and Mr Big'," she added, smirking when Jeff shot her a withering stare.

"We could call you 'Shelicopter'," said Abed.

"You'll be calling me nothing of the sort," Shirley said, folding her arms. "I knew the Internet was evil and disturbing."

Britta pushed Abed's hand out of the way so she could scroll down the page. "Hey, what gives?" she frowned. "The rest of these confessions are nearly all about Jeff and Annie."

"Really?" said Annie.

"What do they say?" said Jeff. "Not that I care."

"I wish Jeff and Annie would just do it already," Troy read out.

"Annie and Jeff need to unite _their _nations," read Britta. "Gross."

"I ship Annie, Jeff and helicopters," said Abed.

Shirley made a sign of the cross. "Sweet baby Jesus."

"Is there anything about me on there?" asked Pierce.

Abed scanned a few pages. "Nope. Nothing."

"Well… good," he said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Who needs Bumbler anyway?"

"Exactly," said Annie. "People are just being silly."

Troy scoffed. "Yeah, you _would_ say that, Queen of Tumblr." He ignored Annie's gasp of indignation. "Why don't you just go and wave to _all_ your Tumblr subjects out on your Tumblr balcony and throw out free giant foam fingers, because that would be pretty awesome, especially since your dad never bought you one when you were a kid and you still kind of hate him for it… What was I saying again?"

"I didn't ask for people to gossip about me, OK Troy? I had enough of that in high school."

"I'm sure it'll all blow over by the end of the day," Jeff reassured her. "By the end of lunch even. The show can't have been _that_popular."

"Half a million YouTube hits say otherwise, Jeff," said Abed. "And counting."

"And there _still_ wasn't one mention of me on Stumbler?" cried Pierce. "Half a million people are morons!"

"I told you he was mean," a woman's voice said. "Webisode Pierce is way better."

Seven heads snapped their attention to the back of the room where the mystery voice had come from. Vicki clapped a hand over her mouth in embarrassment at being caught out. There was a crowd of people around her, including Magnitude, Garrett and Pavel. Alarmed, the group turned the other way to find an equally large amount of students swarming around the front entrance, lead by Leonard and Quendra.

"If we stay really, really still they won't know we're here," Troy stage-whispered.

"Solid plan, Troy," said Jeff. "Oh, wait. Everyone isn't a T-Rex."

Britta had a strained smile on her face. "Hi… half of Greendale. What's happening?"

"I'll tell you what's _not_ happening – your hair. It looks more lame in real life than on the show," Quendra blurted out.

"_You__'__re_ the schmitty!"

"What?"

"You heard me." Britta shrank into her seat, anxiously smoothing down her locks.

Magnitude raised his hand. "I was just wondering, Shirley, from one catch-phrase king to another… can you say the line?"

"What line?" Shirley replied warily.

"Oh I think you know what line," he grinned.

"No thank you."

"Please, bro?" begged Pavel. "I love line like forest love raccoons!"

"Me too!" shrieked Garrett.

"Really?" Preening ever so slightly at being in the spotlight, Shirley cleared her throat. "Uh… Heli-cop-ters?" She hid a satisfied smile when a cheer went up.

"Heli-pop-pop-ters!" cried Magnitude, raising the roof.

"Oh, that's nice!"

Pierce suddenly stood up and addressed the crowd. "Submarine," he declared proudly.

The place fell silent, except for Leonard blowing one sloppy, drawn-out raspberry.

"You're the worst," sneered Vicki, her face brightening when she glanced at the other end of the study table. "Jeff and Annie, say something witty to one another that masks your true feelings!"

Annie gaped at her. "Excuse me?"

"You know," she smiled. "You fight with each other and then you make the googly eyes like, '_Duke_'," she said, curtsying towards Garrett.

"_Duchess_," he said, mock-bowing in return.

"Throwing up in my mouth again," muttered Troy.

Jeff took a deep breath. "OK, listen here folks. We are not puppets for your entertainment. We're real people with real lives and we don't just bend on whim to cater to your weird needs."

"Heli-cop-ter!" Shirley sang out with a giggle, waving at a few fans through the window.

"Shirley! Focus!"

"Hey, leave nice lady alone," said Pavel. "No one want to hear your dumb speech. Internet Jeff way more cool than you."

"He's right," said Quendra. "These people are killjoys with a capital Q. The real study group online is totally more interesting. Let's go and wait for the new episode, guys!"

"Later, haters!" Leonard crowed, sucking on a lollipop.

"Shut up, Leonard!" yelled Jeff. "I hope you choke!" He hunched down into his chair, clenching his jaw. "Can you believe this school?"

"I know!" said Annie. "How dare they say the other group is better than us? If we didn't start the group, there wouldn't even _be_ one!"

"Forget that. Who does this Fake Jeff jerk think he is muscling in on my identity? There's no way he's better than me!" He jabbed a finger towards Abed. "You need to can that show of yours."

"Not possible, sorry," said Abed. "My Media Studies professor was so amazed with the response that he wants me to air daily updates instead of weekly for the rest of the episodes."

"How many more are there?" said Britta.

"Five. We had to choose a theme and I went with Seven Deadly Sins. I already featured wrath and greed," he said, ticking them off on his hand. "There's just sloth, lust…"

"Dopey, Happy and Sneezy, we know," Troy said impatiently. "Why do you keep using your scary but awesome psychic abilities for bad things, dude? Why can't you be like, 'Hey, you're gonna finally get a giant foam hand today'."

"Oh my God, enough about the hand!" said Britta. "There are bigger things to worry about you jag!" She immediately snapped her mouth shut. "Oh no," she whispered. "It's starting."

_Dun, dun._

The six of them turned to Abed, who was holding up his phone. "Sound effect app," he explained. "They just added Law & Order."

"Do they have a sound effect where I throw your phone into a fountain?" said Jeff.

"I know you're annoyed right now, Jeff, but trust me. The Chronicles aren't a bad thing. They might even be helpful."

"Oh really? Because last time I checked I didn't sign up to become a Sims character." He pushed back his chair and stood to leave the room, but ended up hovering near the doorway. "… What the hell class do I have now?"

"You have your Political Philosophy class," said Abed. "You better hurry."

"I _should_ hurry," he mused, before becoming more annoyed. "Stop forcing thoughts on me, dammit!"

"That wasn't my intention," said Abed. He watched as Annie slid on her backpack and gave him a troubled look before trying to catch up with Jeff. The rest of the group soon followed suit. Abed leant his head to the side as tiny green diamonds appeared over his friends' heads. "… That wasn't my intention," he quietly repeated to himself, trying to shake the image from his mind.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to kill Ay-bed," said Pierce, dumping his plate of salad on the cafeteria table where Britta, Troy and Shirley were sitting. "Because of his stupid picture show no one will give me any good food. I had to buy this crap instead."<p>

"You might enjoy something healthy for once, Pierce," said Britta. "I eat salad every day - it has a lot of benefits."

"Oh yeah? Is one of them having hair like a limp noodle?"

Glowering, Britta pulled her emergency fedora further down her head.

"I don't think we should be too harsh on Abed," said Shirley, offering Pierce one of her tuffles. "It's nice he has so many people interested in his work."

"Or is it because people are interested in _you_ now?" said Troy, scrolling furiously through his laptop. "You've had five more confessions made about you on Tumblr in the past few hours."

"Really? I didn't even know."

"Oh don't act so humble, Bryant Gumbel," said Britta, before bursting into a grin. "Hey, I finally got one of those right – give me some fivesies!" Troy reluctantly high-fived her before she put her serious face back on. "I saw you print them off in the library earlier and shove them into your purse like keepsakes."

Shirley hugged her bag tight. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Britta's arm twitched, like she wanted to lunge across the table and check for herself, but she stopped when she heard Jeff and Annie approach.

"You better not walk too close to me, Annie," said Jeff. "Your secret admirer could be watching right now and get jealous."

"I could say the same to you," she teased, sitting next to Shirley. "Quick – who isn't wearing a bra?"

"Those two women over there, that blond girl in line for coffee, the…"

"Pierce, gross!"

"You're like a heat-sinking missile for boobs," said Troy, awestruck.

Pierce shrugged nonchalantly while Annie pressed on. "Jeff and I were just making fun of the whole situation, weren't we Jeff?"

"Exactly," nodded Jeff. "Abed can say what he likes, it doesn't mean it's going to come true."

"Oh, so I guess you two _didn__'__t_ make out last time just like the video said you would?" said Britta. "Pierce _didn__'__t_ get a cast on his leg?"

"I _didn__'__t_ cry like I just watched The Notebook?" said Troy.

"That was a simpler time," said Jeff. "We're more savvy to how Abed's mind works now. I know we all love the guy, but you can't argue the fact that he likes everything to be an adventure. Even if that means creating it himself."

"You sound just like Other Jeff," said Troy, shaking his head.

"What are you on about?"

"Didn't you watch the episode Abed uploaded before?"

"I don't want to encourage him."

"It's too late for that, man," said Troy, hitting play on the YouTube highlights for episode three.

The fake group gathered in Abed's dorm room to watch The Goonies. Fake Britta was wearing an eye patch while Fake Abed had a pirate hat on. "_I __made __a __Greendale __treasure __map __this __morning_," said Fake Abed. "_I __think __after __the __movie __we __should __follow __it_."

"_Why __does __everything __have __to __be __an __adventure __with __you_?" said Fake Jeff. "_Why __can__'__t __we __just __let __life __play __out __normally_?"

Fake Abed blinked at him. "_Because __if __you __don__'__t __live __life __to __the __fullest __you __may __as __well __be __dead, __Jeff_."

The Fake Dean sat in his office looking at the hospital appointment note he found.

A fire alarm went off while the fake group were arguing about who was the best character: Sloth or Chunk. "_Shouldn__'__t __we __evacuate __or __something_?" said Fake Troy.

"_Fire __schmire_," said Fake Jeff. "_We__'__re __not __going __anywhere __until __we__'__ve __settled __this __thing_."

Annie shook her head while the 'Cool Abed Productions' tag played. "As if we'd just sit there while a fire raged through the building. We're not _that_ self-involved and lazy."

"I barely had two lines this episode," said Shirley, shredding a tuffle into small pieces.

"Who cares," said Jeff. "Abed just basically spelled out that I'm going to die."

"Who cares?" scoffed Troy. "How come Britta got a cool pirate thing and I didn't?"

Britta made a face at him. "I don't know, maybe because I'm awesome?" She leant across and refreshed the Tumblr page. "Oh come on, more Jeff and Annie secrets? This episode wasn't even about them."

Pierce squinted at the screen. "Jeff should show Annie his truffle shuffle? Is this new penis terminology I need to know about?"

"Ew, Pierce!" said Annie, before becoming concerned. "… Is it?"

"No, Annie," said Troy. "How have you not seen The Goonies? It's a classic, like Labyrinth and The NeverEnding Story and Police Academy: Mission to Moscow."

"I've been cursed with a death sentence _and_ people think I'm overweight," Jeff scowled. "Thanks a lot, Abed."

"Oh quit your whining, fatty," said Britta. "At least people care enough to write anonymous Internet messages about you."

"Here's one about you, Britta," said Troy, getting her attention. "It says, 'Why does Britta suck so hard with that eye patch? She should give it to Troy'."

"You're just making that up."

"You can't prove that."

"Show me the laptop then."

"… No."

Jeff fiddled around with his phone until he found the Tumblr page. "Oh God, someone Photoshopped Fake Jeff's head onto a moving picture of the truffle shuffle."

"Lucky," muttered Britta.

"Uh, guys, I hate to break up the party but don't some of you have class now?" said Annie, checking her watch.

"Class can bite me!" Jeff snapped. "People are mocking me on the Internet and I need to kill them."

"That's great and everything, but you might want to re-think your priorities." She nodded subtly towards the front of the room. "I spy the Dean in a Florence Nightingale outfit straight ahead."

"Since when did Florence wear a miniskirt?" asked Shirley.

Jeff's body went rigid. "OK, new plan. Go to class, _then_ kill people on the Internet _then_ figure out a way to go back in time and never hear that sentence."

"It looks as though he's warming up the thermometer for you if that helps?"

"Shut up, Pierce."

* * *

><p>Annie kept her hands on the steering wheel, and her seatbelt on, even though she had pulled into the Greendale parking lot more than ten minutes ago. She had a study group meeting to attend, but the thought of fighting her way through the sea of students inside the building was making her anxious. The amount of offers from guys – and girls – she'd had yesterday to, "Double Dutch if Jeff won't" was mind-boggling. A knock on the driver's side window made her yelp, before Jeff came into view and motioned for her to roll it down.<p>

"I think you have to turn the keys in the ignition if you want to drive somewhere," he said.

"Do you think I have enough gas to make it to China?"

"Mr Chan's Chinese Restaurant, maybe." Jeff crouched down and rested his forearms on the window. "As much as I'd like to sit in there with you and avoid the craziness, I think I'd have to saw a hole in the roof to fit in comfortably, so…"

She shared a rueful smile with him. "I knew your tallness was only good for getting things off high shelves." Sighing, Annie gathered her bag and wound up the window before getting out of her car. "Maybe I'm just being paranoid. For all we know things could have died down today and everyone will go back to not caring about us."

"They don't really care about us anyway," said Jeff as they slowly walked towards campus. "They're obsessed with the fake group – we're just a crappy consolation prize."

"Hey Annie!" a young, tanned blond guy called out from across the quad. "Push it real good!" he laughed, thrusting his hips towards her.

"Um, _excuse_ me?" said Annie, mortified.

Jeff glowered at him. "Hey chump, how about you push your fist into your face so I don't have to come over there and do it for you?"

"Don't worry about it, Jeff, he's not worth it. Let's just keep walking." She ushered him forward. "It's just Chad being Chad."

"Wait, you know that guy?"

"Not really," Annie admitted. "Britta and I see him around school all the time and just nicknamed him Chad because he looks like one."

"There's a Chad prototype?"

"You know, he's always the buffed up hottie in movies who turns out to be a douche."

"Actually that does make sense." Jeff raised an eyebrow. "You think he's hot?"

"No, of course not!" She played with the bird pendant on her necklace. "He's just the prototype like you said."

"Of course." Jeff opened his mouth to say more when someone popped up in front of them, nearly causing him to trip. "Holy shhhh—ia Labeouf."

"Really?" Annie muttered.

"I panicked," he muttered back.

"Sorry for scaring you," smiled the woman, holding up a black marker. "I just wanted to know if I could get your autograph, Jeff? How do you feel about signing body parts? I know you like bra-less broads."

Annie stifled a giggle while Jeff gaped at the marker being waved in his face. He had the vague recollection of seeing the woman before… in the senior citizens water volleyball class he and Annie suffered through.

"Um, Maura, is it?"

"Yes," she beamed.

"As flattered as I am, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to sign your breasts… especially since they currently appear to be tucked into your skirt… but ah, thank you for your time and… maybe go and find your bra."

Jeff latched onto Annie's arm and scurried away, not appreciating the snorts of laughter reaching his ears. "Thanks for your help back there, chuckles."

"What? I thought you were perfectly _abreast_ of the situation," she smirked.

"Not funny."

"You didn't make a _boob_ out of yourself at all."

"Quit it."

"You…" she paused, racking her brain. "Darn it! I've run out of breast puns."

"Don't worry," he mocked, "we've all been there."

They were just about to enter the library when a perky brunette woman bounded towards them, completely ignoring Annie. "Hi there Jeff," she cooed. "I know you're probably busy and whatevs, but I was wondering if you'd sign something for me?" She began to unzip the top of her hoodie. "You can totally _get__up__on__this_ if you catch my drift," she added with a wink.

"Uh…"

Turning in a sour face Britta would be proud of, Annie stepped in front of Jeff. "As it happens we _are_ busy and '_whatevs_', so maybe you can take your sweater puppies back to the pound before they realize the runts of the litter are missing." She plastered on a smile. "Have a super great day."

"Looks like you had one more pun in you after all, huh?" Jeff coughed, as the brunette stomped away.

Annie shrugged. "I was just letting her know she was being disrespectful… that's all." She pushed open the door. "Come on, we may as well see what fresh hell awaits us on YouTube."

"Fingers crossed I'm finally dead."

"Jeff!"

* * *

><p>"… <em>Ooh <em>_baby, __baby! __B-baby, __baby! __Get __up __on __this!_"

Annie and Jeff sat slack jawed at the head of the table while the lust instalment of the Chronicles came to a close.

"I feel like someone slipped acid in my coffee," said Jeff, unable to take his eyes away from the screen.

"Did you really just make your own music video set to random clips from previous episodes?" asked Annie

Abed nodded. "It's a very popular medium. Especially when you set them to a music track everyone loves."

"… And the first song that came to your mind was by Salt N Pepa?" said Jeff.

"Exactly. Although technically this version's by Rosemary N Thyme, the sixth-best Salt N Pepa tribute band on the net. I didn't want to run into any copyright issues."

"Yeah, because _that__'__s_ your main problem here."

"Um, Abed?" Shirley interrupted. "I couldn't help but notice when I watched the episode earlier that Shirley only got twenty seconds of screen time." She smiled at him but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Half of that music clip seemed to be Jeff and Annie doing things in slow motion."

"To be honest, Shirley," said Abed, "people would rather see those two shoot their lust dust at each other than see you get up close and personal with your love interest."

Shirley narrowed her eyes at him. "People love the helicopters," she said darkly. "One of my fans even made me this bracelet with a toy helicopter glued to it."

"… I was actually talking about Andre."

"Out of interest, where does a guy purchase this lust dust?" asked Pierce, uncapping a pen.

"Sorry I'm late, guys," said Britta, entering the room. "What did I miss?" They all stared at her as she sat down. "… What?"

"Oh, nothing," said Jeff. "I just think the more important question is why didn't we receive tickets to your Toddlers and Tiaras pageant?"

Britta smoothed her hair, which had been blow-waved into a bouffant. "Very funny, smartass. I just wanted a change."

"And world peace?" said Pierce.

Jeff took a closer look. "I think a bird just started to nest in there."

"As if you dweebs would know anything about women's hairdos," said Britta, turning to Annie and Shirley. "Ladies? Opinions?"

The two of them snuck a panicked glance at one another before smiling at Britta. "I like how big it is… like it's full of secrets," said Annie brightly.

Shirley clasped her hands together. "You have pretty eyes today, sweetie."

"I bet you can't say the same for me."

Everyone minus Abed jumped in fright when they noticed Troy sitting in his chair, out of nowhere, wearing a large black eye patch.

"Where the hell did you come from?" said Pierce, looking underneath the table for a trap door.

"I have mad ninja skills, Pierce, keep up," said Troy, sharing a high five chest thump with Abed. "And now I can add awesome kickass pirate to my resume."

"You're not a pirate just because you're wearing that stupid thing on your head," said Britta.

"And you're not a haystack just because you're wearing that stupid thing on _your_ head."

"I'm not trying to be!"

"Then I am _very_ confused right now because why would someone want to do that to their hair deliberately?" Troy shouted.

"Oh my God," said Annie.

"I know, right?"

"Not that, this!" She gestured wildly to the laptop screen in front of her. "Why is there a photo of the real Jeff and I on this Tumblr thing?"

"Let me see that," said Jeff, leaning across to where Annie was hogging the computer. His eyebrows shot up. "OK, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible… which one of you jerks do I have to murder today?"

Getting up to see what all the fuss was about, Britta, Abed, Troy, Shirley and Pierce were shown a photo of Jeff and Annie sleeping on Jeff's couch together from when they were infected with the flu. There was a roll of toilet paper on Jeff's lap they'd been using for tissues and both of them had a sickly zombie-like sheen about them, complete with drool.

"Here's the real confession," Jeff read out through gritted teeth. "These two aren't as cute as they're made out to be."

"Who took this photo?" demanded Annie. "Tell me right now."

"How do you know it was one of us?" said Britta.

"Who else could it have been? It was taken in Jeff's apartment."

"Oh I don't know, maybe everyone's favorite crazy person, Chang?"

"It wasn't me, yo," a voice echoed out of the air vent on the side wall. "I traded my house key with a tap-dancing homeless guy for three packs of Hubba Bubba _months_ ago."

Jeff threw a pen at the vent. "Stop eavesdropping on our conversations, Chang! And I hope you choked on your gum!"

"You have some serious rage issues with people and candy, dude," said Troy.

"I'm going to have even more issues if I don't get an answer to my question."

"_Who __let __the __dogs __out? __Who? __Who? __Who_?" Music blared from the PA system, followed by the Dean's voice. "Who indeed, Greendale students," he chuckled. "Who indeed. If you're in the mood to hear even more classic hits, make sure you attend the school's karaoke night this Friday. There'll be drinks, a raffle and a very special celebrity performance. But remember, this karaoke ain't for everybody – only the sexy people… I'm kidding! Unsexy people can attend too; we're an equal rights college. Happy working, everyone!"

"OK," Jeff said, turning around. "Now _that_ torture's over we can – hey!"

The only people left in the room were Annie and Pierce.

"They all split while they had the chance," explained Pierce.

"How come you didn't go?" said Annie.

"I tried but I only made it from your chair to Jeff's. After the accident my running style is more tortoise than hare."

"Is the tortoise also stuck on its back and unable to move?" said Jeff.

Pierce gave him a withering smile. "Funny. Almost as funny as the waterfall of drool coming from your mouth in that photo."

"Stop acting like a child, Pierce."

"Why don't _you_ stop acting like a _child_ of a child?"

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Neither does your face!"

"Oh brother," said Annie, shutting the laptop. "Let's just call it a day before this turns into a hair-pulling contest."

"You can cram it already with the bald jokes, Winger," warned Pierce, correctly pre-empting Jeff's next move. When Jeff and Annie left, Pierce made his way around the table to collect his planner and noticed a scrap of paper behind Britta's seat. He picked it up and saw the name 'Dr Faberge' scribbled on it along with a phone number. After checking the back and finding no more clues, he tucked the paper in the top pocket of his shirt and exited the room.

"What was the bald joke going to be?" Chang's voice echoed from the vent. "Guys? … Don't leave me hanging… _Ooh_, a nickel."

* * *

><p>Abed sat on a bench in the campus courtyard and tucked into a box of raisinets while he checked on YouTube comments for his web series. Most of the messages had been positive so far, but he was beginning to notice a slight rage against the machine. There were a small section of fans that admonished him for his 'obvious Jeff and Annie bias'. Another group of people called him uninspired for his insertion of Sloth from The Goonies in his sloth episode.<p>

"It was meant to be original in its unoriginality," he murmured.

"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness you know."

Abed squinted against the sun as Professor Duncan sat down beside him.

"Although," he continued, "in your case I'd say you've already skipped a few steps and are a fully-fledged member of the mad scientists' guild."

"I get that all the time." Abed offered the box he was holding. "Raisinet?"

"No thanks. Don't want an unhealthy start to the day." He pulled out a hip flask and took a long swig. "So… how goes the social experiment?"

"The Chronicles are more of a social commentary than experiment."

"That's a complete load of codswallop if I've ever heard one." Duncan rested his arms on the back of the bench. "Do you know what I remember from our little confrontation at Christmas time?"

"I thought you got concussion when everyone started to throw things at you in the study room and couldn't remember anything?"

"That is very true. I took quite the vicious beating," he chuckled. "But I also took notes and I wrote down that you, Abed, like to be in control in your own little way."

"I'm not a puppet master. I just like to know people are getting the most out of their lives," he said, bending the cardboard tabs of the raisinet box up and down. "There's a difference."

"I'm not saying it's entirely a bad thing," said Duncan. "Me, I like to take control in the bedroom, _if __you __know __what __I __mean_... I was alluding to sexual intercourse if I wasn't clear. With ladies, not with myself, if that also wasn't clear."

"Got it."

"How are your study mates accepting people watching and analyzing their every move by the way?"

Abed observed the goings-on around campus, noticing his friends scattered around the place. Troy was walking with Shirley, Jeff was chatting to Annie near the library and Pierce was speaking to Britta near the Luis Guzman statue. "They're OK."

"Really?"

Taking a closer look, Abed could see that was a lie. Troy's eye patch gave him a blind spot on his left side, where Shirley kept knocking him in the head with her helicopter bracelet every time she flung out her arms to say her catch phrase for people. Pierce was showing Britta a piece of paper, but Britta chose to ignore him and run off, getting her hair caught in a tree branch along the way. And Jeff and Annie had to duck for cover when Leonard and his hipster friends hooned past on a golf cart and pelted them with toilet paper.

"Actually you're right, they all look as though they're having a ball," said Duncan. "I guess you really did ensure they were getting the most out of their lives."

Abed frowned as the green Sims diamonds slowly reappeared over everyone's heads. Jeff shook his fist at Leonard as Sims gibberish came out of his mouth.

"I have to go," said Abed, suddenly. "Unless you have more psychological insights to explore through our unexpected character bonding?"

"No, although that _would_ be nice and it would give me something to do other than drink myself into an early death." He clapped his hands together. "What I _really _sought you out for was to see if your friend with the boobs was actually in the market for a secret admirer."

"Annie?"

"Yes, the boobed one. Because I can be very secretive and admir…rative." He waggled his eyebrows.

"Sorry professor," said Abed, packing away his laptop, "but I don't think Annie would touch you with a ten-foot pole. No offense."

"None taken. I've been told I am a very creepy man."

"Cool, cool, cool."

* * *

><p>Annie had no classes scheduled for the next two days so she spent them at home, working on various assignments and dioramas. For the first time in her life she was actually relieved not to have to go to school. The chaos Abed's show had caused was beginning to take its toll on her and her friends. She avoided the pride and gluttony episodes on YouTube as best she could, but kept getting random updates from the group that filled her in on things regardless.<p>

Shirley had texted her, complaining that Abed had thrown Fake Shirley another catch phrase. '_What __am __I __supposed __to __do __with __the __word __speedboat?_' she'd said. '_I __don__'__t __understand __what__'__s __going __through __that __boy__'__s __head__'_.

She'd received a voicemail from Pierce telling her not to worry, because regardless of what happened on the Internet, he _wasn__'__t_ currently in hospital after overdosing on tuffles and tater tots. '_But __if __I __ever __was __to __die, __that __tiara __is __still __yours__… __and __I __have __a __very __special __figurine __for __Troy __to __keep__'_.

Troy had sent everyone a photo of himself in his new pirate accessories (a hat, plastic hook hand and a gold earring) and joined a group on Facebook called, 'That awkward moment when one of your friends turns out to be worse than Nickelback'. But Britta had been suspiciously quiet on the matter.

Taking a break from her essay, Annie flipped through the Greendale course guide. The Dean had been pretty lenient in the past about letting her try out different classes to see if she could find a new hobby. But the longer it took the more hints he dropped about her having to start paying for them. "_With __cash __or __with __the __names __of __Jeff__'__s __favorite __restaurants __and __aftershave__… __for, __uh, __student __data __I__'__m __collecting_." She was contemplating joining the crochet club when her phone started to ring, and was surprised to see Jeff's name on the caller ID.

"Hey Jeff, what's up?"

"Hi. Um, quick question. Are you going to that karaoke thing tomorrow night?"

Annie couldn't help smiling to herself. "Are you… asking me out?"

"Yeah. I mean not like that, though," he rushed.

"Oh."

"And I didn't mean 'not like that' in that weird tone either."

"What _do_ you mean, Jeff?"

He cleared his throat. "I heard a rumour those stupid actors from the web series are going to be there and I wanted everyone to realize how much cooler we are than them. Plus Abed's airing the last episode live or whatever."

"So you're going to have a cool-off with your online nemesis?"

"No, that'd be lame. I'm just going to show up and exude my general charisma and people will soon realize who the top dog is."

"… And saying words like 'top dog' _isn__'__t_ lame?"

"Are you coming or not?"

"Fine. But I'm staying away from all the drama, OK? The last thing I need is to draw more attention to myself."

"Sure. I'll see you there."

"Hey Jeff, before you go – what do you think of crochet?"

"I think of old ladies sitting around knitting woollen underwear. Why?"

"No reason. I'll see you tomorrow night."

Annie ended the call and threw her course guide across the table in annoyance.

* * *

><p>A stage had been set up at the back of the cafeteria where Garrett was currently belting out 'All By Myself', much to the detriment of everyone's eardrums. Pierce was getting some punch while Shirley was saying 'speedboat' as many different ways as she could to a crowd of people. But the enjoyment that once shone on her face was noticeably missing. Troy kept lifting up his eye patch to read the songbook properly, while Jeff hid in a corner to avoid the Dean, who was dressed up as Cher circa 'Turn Back Time' for the occasion.<p>

"I totally called the Dean wearing a Cher costume last week," said Annie, appearing by Jeff's side.

"Congratulations," said Jeff with a wry grin. "You've won a lifetime of mental scarring and a free set of steak knives."

"Neat."

"You look nice by the way." He nodded towards her head. "I like your hair out like that."

"Thanks," she smiled. "You look good, too. Very top dog." A spicy scent hit her nose. "New aftershave?"

"Yeah it's called…"

"Don't tell me!" she interrupted. "It's just… safer that way."

They turned their attention to the stage where Shirley had taken control of the microphone. She began to belt out 'When You Believe', taking on both the Whitney and Mariah roles, but kept getting interrupted by the crowd making demands to hear her say helicopter and speedboat.

"I'd much rather sing thank you!" Shirley said with a smile. "There's more to me than a few catch phrases you know." But she became annoyed when a few people started to boo her.

"Any sign of the fake group yet?" said Jeff, peering around the room.

"Nope. Although I did just spot Britta's hair… and then Britta." Annie became concerned. "Wait, something's wrong. It looks like she's been crying."

They made their way over to her, signalling for Pierce and Troy to join them. Shirley wasn't far behind after abandoning her song due to lack of interest.

"Britta, what happened?" said Annie, patting her on the arm.

Dabbing her eyes with a tissue, Britta tried to compose herself before rolling down the eye patch that had been sitting on her hair like a headband.

Troy's mouth dropped open. "You… You… _Nickelback_!" he yelped. "Stop crying and being sad so I can be mad at you properly!"

"Troy, don't be mean," Annie scolded. "We need to find out what's wrong."

"I think I know," said Pierce in a grave tone.

"You do?" sniffed Britta.

"Yes. You have eye cancer and you're dying." Shirley, Troy and Annie gasped in horror while Jeff looked concerned. "I tried to talk to her about the doctor's note I found the other day but she just ran off on me."

"Oh Lord, the hospital note came true," cried Shirley.

"I'm not dying," said Britta. "And I don't have eye cancer."

Pierce frowned. "You don't? What was that Dr Faberge thing all about then?"

"You went to a fancy egg doctor?" said Troy, earning incredulous stares. "What? I know words sometimes."

"Dr Faberge isn't a GP he's a vet," Britta said, voice wavering. "I had to see him because I had to put one of my cats down." She started to cry again. "This was the eye patch I knitted for him," she said, gesturing at her face. "I wanted to wear it in his honor."

"Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry," said Shirley, wrapping an arm around her friend.

"Is there anything we can do?" asked Annie.

"I'm burying him near my house tomorrow if you guys want to come and keep me company?" said Britta, blowing her nose.

Jeff chuckled, earning an elbow in the ribs from Annie. "Oh, you were serious?"

Troy stepped forward. "I'm sorry about your cat, Britta," he said, squeezing her hand. "And I'm sorry for being a jerkass with all this pirate stuff," he added sheepishly. "I guess I just got a little bit jealous, but I'll take everything off, I promise."

Britta kept hold of his hand. "Keep the eye patch on, OK? Mr Snuggles would have liked that."

He smiled at her and nodded. "OK."

"I hate to interrupt this really weird moment," said a man's voice. "But I just wanted to see if Annie was in the mood for a little duet?"

"Sorry, Chad," Jeff sneered, "but Annie's busy right now. So why don't you put your 'little duet' back in your pants and get lost?"

"Who's Chad?" he said. "My name is Everett."

"Even worse. Go away."

Annie glared at Jeff after Everett slunk off. "What?" said Jeff. "Don't tell me you actually wanted to sing with that guy?"

"No I didn't want to sing with him, but I would have liked the chance to speak for myself."

"Like you gave me the opportunity to speak for myself with sweater puppies? I was doing you a favor, Annie."

She folded her arms. "That was different. If I didn't say anything you probably would have signed them."

"How can you even know that when you didn't give me the chance to speak?" He angrily shoved his hands in his pockets. "Good to know you think so little of me."

Pierce started to laugh uproariously. "Little duet! I just got the penis of it all!"

"What a proud moment for you," said Shirley through gritted teeth.

The lights began to dim and a hush fell on the crowd as the big screen TV on stage flickered to life. The Community College Chronicles intro played, but instead of getting the episode after it, Abed appeared on screen instead.

"Greetings everyone," he said, making himself comfortable in his director's chair. "I know you were expecting to see the final webisode 'envy' right now, but I wanted to take this livefeed opportunity to speak to all the fans and let you know… that I have lead you all astray."

There were a few gasps from the audience. "What is he talking about?" said Troy.

Abed continued. "On the surface my show seemed harmless enough. But in reality I was using it to make my friends acknowledge things they wouldn't have otherwise confronted. I wanted Shirley to see that the popularity she craved could destroy the very essence of herself. I wanted Troy and Britta to realize that their pointless arguments aren't as pointless as they think and that there's a connection there."

Troy looked down to where his hand was still intertwined with Britta's. He met her uncovered eye with his and smiled shyly.

"The hospital thing was just a fluke, though, I only threw it in to heighten the drama," said Abed. "My condolences about Mr Snuggles. For Pierce, I wanted him to see that his self-interest would lead him nowhere except for the hospital – or a re-make of Grumpy Old Men. And for Jeff and Annie, well, I think it's obvious. They can deny it all they want but those two need to get a room."

Annie could feel Jeff freeze beside her before he turned around and left the cafeteria. Frustrated, she wavered on the spot before deciding to follow him.

"So there you have it. I never meant for this to get out of hand the way it did and I hope my friends will forgive me. Enjoy the rest of your night – and Troy? I hope there's still a Disney song out there with our name on it." He shot finger guns at the screen with a 'pew, pew' before the livefeed went out. Troy dipped his hat in solidarity at the TV.

The lights came back on, much to the crowd's chagrin. "That was crap!" yelled Garrett. "We want to see the episode!" People began to cheer him on and started up a 'We want envy!' chant.

"Calm down, people, calm down!" said the Dean, struggling to walk onstage in his heels. "I know we're all a bit disappointed that the infamous study group has hijacked yet another school function with their dysfunctional drama. But I've got something in store for you all that I think you're going to love."

"Is it the envy episode?" said Vicki.

"No it is not. It's something even better!" The Dean flicked his wig out of his face. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you in all their celebrity glory, the sixth-best Salt N Pepa tribute band on the interweb – Rosemary N Thyme!"

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for Annie to find Jeff sitting on the floor of the storage room they'd wound up in after their political debate. She walked over and sat down beside him, letting her legs stretch out in front of her.<p>

"Another fun-filled Greendale function," said Jeff.

"Yep," said Annie. "So are we going to address what just happened or do our patent 'sweep it under the rug' thing?"

"I'd suggest sweeping it under the rug, but I think we've put so much crap under there lately it'd be like trying to walk over a waterbed."

She played with the hem of her dress. "So what do we do? Because pretending things were normal between us didn't help. But I don't want things to be weird either." Annie looked across at him. "What are you thinking about?"

"Mr Snuggles."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"It was something Abed, well, _Fake_ Abed said during the week," Jeff explained. "He said that if you weren't living life to the fullest then you may as well be dead."

Annie smiled softly. "So you're comparing yourself to a dead cat?"

"Kind of. I guess what I'm saying is… I think it's time to take some chances before life passes me by and I die with regrets."

"What does that mean for us then?" asked Annie, her voice catching in her throat.

Jeff gently caressed her cheek before leaning in to kiss her. Annie sighed contentedly as she kissed him back, curling her legs in so she could be closer to him. Jeff traced a few kisses across her face before sitting back to smile at her.

"I'm happy you're not a dead cat," said Annie.

"Me too," he laughed, taking hold of her hand. "I have no idea what we're supposed to do now by the way. Do we take things slow? Do we buy a padded suit for when Shirley inevitably beats me up for corrupting you?"

"We'll figure it out," she said, giving him another kiss.

"Aww, you guys! I'm gonna cry!" Chang's voice filtered in through the air vent.

Annie and Jeff jumped. "I swear to God you better get out of the vent system right now before you find out the real meaning of making someone Changry!" Jeff growled.

* * *

><p>"And now for the moment we've all been waiting for!" said the Dean, rolling around a barrel.<p>

"Is it the envy episode?" asked Quendra.

"Enough about the episode!" he said in a shrill voice, before fanning himself. "My apologies. I didn't mean to snap but this one-piece suit is really not made for comfort." He discreetly adjusted the back of his leotard before continuing. "As I was saying, the moment we've all been waiting for – the raffle draw!"

Annie and Jeff made their way back to the group and stood close together, trying not to look too smug with themselves.

"First prize goes to… Pierce Hawthorne!" said the Dean.

"Oh that's nice!" said Shirley. "Well done, Pierce."

"Second prize goes to… Pierce Hawthorne?" The Dean stared at the ticket.

"Wow man, how awesome is that?" said Troy.

"Third prize goes to…" the Dean rummaged around the barrel making sure he reached the bottom. "Son of a—" he caught himself. "Pierce Hawthorne. That cannot be right."

"Pierce, what did you do?" asked Annie.

"I may or may not have bought all the raffle tickets and rigged the whole thing in my favor," said Pierce, making his way to the stage to collect his prizes.

"How could you let this happen, Ethel?" the Dean said irately to this secretary. "You were in charge of selling tickets, you should have said something."

Ethel glared at him. "You pay me minimum wage," she said in a raspy voice. "Like I give a rat's ass what happens."

The group followed Pierce to the front of the room where he was looking through his stash. "I guess Abed was more accurate about you than he thought," said Jeff.

"You would think that wouldn't you, Winger?" He crossed his arms. "For your information, I bought all the raffle tickets so I could make sure you guys all got something."

Annie's face softened. "Wait, you did this for us?"

"Of course I did. You're my study group." He picked up some cooking gear. "I got third prize for Shirley so she could keep up to date with her baking and make me awesome stuff."

"Thank you, Pierce," said Shirley in surprise.

"For Troy there's tickets to the baseball, where I will personally make sure you get one of those foam fingers you keep crapping on about."

Troy shook like a Chihuahua before leaping on Pierce for a hug. "I love you, man!" Pierce clapped him on the back before Troy let go. "I think I'm gonna faint. Or pee in excitement, one of the two."

"This camera's for Ay-bed, wherever he's lurking, so he can keep making his films," said Pierce. "They may not have been as dumb as I first thought. For Annie, there's vouchers for Greendale classes because I know you're still trying to find a hobby."

Annie's eyes shone as she enveloped Pierce in a hug.

"And for Jeff, you get this voucher for a free wax at Pearl's Beauty Salon," said Pierce, handing over the paper. "That was the only thing left. Everything else weirdly matched up with other people."

"Maybe we should give this to Britta," said Jeff, but Pierce held up a hand to stop him.

"No, I want Brittles to have this basket the prizes came in."

Britta held onto the basket in confusion. "… thank you?"

"I thought you could take it to the animal shelter," Pierce shrugged. "Find yourself another fleabag cat with two legs or whatever."

Annie and Shirley 'awwed' in unison while Britta choked back a sob and leant in to give Pierce an awkward half hug half handshake.

"And so Pierce finally learnt what it was like to put others before himself. Another week another lesson here at Greendale, where…"

"Abed," Jeff cut him off just as he was approaching the group.

Abed nodded at him. "I know. No voiceovers."

"No, I was just going to say, congratulations on your web series," smiled Jeff. "You screwed us around just when we needed to be screwed. So, thanks."

"Speaking of things being screwed…"

"Pierce, how about we just try and end this on a penis-free note for once, hmm?"

"Sure thing."

The group crowded together to look at their gifts while Troy discussed with Abed what Disney song they should get up and sing. Jeff playfully nudged Annie's side while they listened to Britta talk about a cat she'd seen with no tail last week.

"Wait a second," said Jeff, suddenly remembering something. "We never found out who posted that photo of me and Annie online."

"Dude, is that Rosemary N Thyme over by the punch?" said Troy, running off.

* * *

><p>The actors from the web series stood huddled near an abandoned warehouse where the full moon shone down.<p>

"Are you sure this is where the karaoke party was being held?" asked Fake Britta.

"Yeah, Abed called and gave me the change of address himself," said Fake Jeff.

A howl carried across the wind sending shivers down their spines. "Guys," said Fake Shirley. "Is it just me or does that shadowy figure over there look like a werewolf?"

_End_


End file.
